Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

A few weeks ago I wrote about my goals for 2013. It is time for a little checkin' in.

1) Cook more: I have done pretty well here. While I still am not where I want to be, basically cooking healthy meals for the family every night, that include veggies galore (even if I am the only one that eats them); I have improved my average home-cooking nights to about 5. Not bad, not bad. The meals are not exactly the leanest, most healthy, but at least they are home made and not processed. Gotta start somewhere.

2) Reduce work stress: this is the one goal that I thought would take me the longest to achieve. I was wrong! Pretty much after I posted my 2013 goals, an opportunity popped up within my company to do something that I think will be an amazing fit. It is a total leap of faith as it is something I have not done before, but it really appeals to me and my inner geek.  I will get to work from home and this will help with goal #1 as well, as I will be able to cook throughout the day... So if meals take longer, I will still be able to make them. Transition will be complete mid april and I cannot wait!

3) Yell less: Not doing so well here. Stress is still high and I am not coping too well. But bound to get better shortly.

4) Be a better mom and wife: trying. Very hard.

5) Further education: not gotten to that spot yet. Still thinking about it. I want to see what this new turn in my professional life holds and go from there.

6) Visit Argentina: Have not even begun planning.

7) Get stronger: making VERY slow progress. Some weeks are great, some other ones not so good. Once my job transition is complete I might take up Crossfit. Still deciding.

8) Step out of my comfort zone: Goruck Challenge still to come, but the job switcharoo is a good step in this direction too.

9) Make improvements to my swimming: not sure here. I did have my best swim test to date since I have been working with my coach; but I am hungry for more. Swim intensive training block beginning soon.

10) Power to weight ratio: Bike test tomorrow... We will see.

11) Re-learn to hurt on the run: This is proving to be harder than I though. Over the off season, self confidence picked up and left; and I am struggling. Big time.

12) Share more: I am going to go with "making progress". Updating the blog counts, right?


I guess I can say things are shaping up and this will be a good year. I am so stoked that the job changing thing is happening. I have not really gone into great detail on why the change is oh so needed; but trust me when I say, it has been extremely hard. Let's just say that when you do not feel appreciated and you are measured by some pretty irregular sticks, there are many a times when you just want to pick up and leave. I have been there, multiple times in the past 10 months. Not healthy.

Regarding the hole... I am still in it, but not as deep. My self confidence is still shot, and I am still blaming myself for pretty much everything that goes wrong. However, with the recent turn of events I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Change can be scary sometimes, but not this time. I am ready for it!

What a week!

It all started last saturday with a long 2:30 ride on my trainer. It was a cold, rainy day and having 2:30 on tap for a bike ride I decided to stay indoors. The key here was the entertainment playing on my little TV. Lord of the rings: The two towers carried me through and made the workout fly by.

Having a couple of bad days during the previous week, I had to move my long run from friday to sunday (forgoeing my rest day). Sunday we got up to a torrential downpour that forced me to do the run idoors on the treadmill. I ran for 1:10 and then decided to take the "speed" intervals that were built into the run outside. It was about 32 degrees and it had stopped raining for a bit. My neighborhood is a 1 mile loop and I figured I could run the last 35 minutes of the prescribed time outside. I changed my shorts for my tights and long sleeves and out I went. It was cold but not too bad, until I made the last turn of the loop, heading to the stretch that would bring me past home. The wind was so hard that i could barely move. I did one loop and called it a day. I emailed Liz telling her I am not as tough as I thought I was: YET.

Sunday evening started snowing, which is kind of a big event here in the south. We got about 4 inches and of course everything was closed on monday, because the city does not have the infrastructure to plow the streets and all. I ended up working from home and enjoying the snow day with Megan playing outside making snow angels. I had long ride again on tap for monday morning. 2 hours. It worked perfectly because I did not have to get up extra early to fit it in before work. So the snow day was kind of welcome. It allowed me to not only work from home, but get a few extra hours of zzz's.

During that long rida I also had the company of the Lord of the Rings. The Return of the King this time. Have I mentioned that I LOVE those movies? I have read the books 3 times. Definitely one of my all time favorites.

Tuesday went on fine. I did my run after work and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I think after that the week fell apart. On wednesday I had a stiff neck; I tried swimming and it HURT. So after toughing it out for the warmup I called it a day and went to work. When I got home I got on my trainer and felt completely weak. I had to inhale 1/2 a clif bar to feel like I had some kind of energy. Liz emailed me reminding me that I need to EAT; which I have been doing, so I do not know what went wrong. Thursday I woke up with a nasty migraine. It lasted all day. I even took my migraine medicine but that did not help. Of course I went to work and had a busy day. People told me I should have taken the day off, but I have a couple of trips planned for the year (including the family vacation to Disney World) and I want to save my PTO days for those occasions. There was definitely no training on thursday, my head could not take it.

Then on Friday I had a do-over of Wednesday's swim and that did not go so well. Let's say it was frustrating and not a good experience. Work was work and I still had a headache... Kind of a leftover from the prior's day migraine.

Saturday came, and I had a 5k on tap. The goal for this race was to get out there, find the hurt and learn to deal with it. Secretly I had a pace goal/finish time; but Liz not to focus on that; to work the mental aspect of the race. It was a company sponsored event, so I had to wear a t-shirt with the company's logo. Cotton. Not my first choice, but it served the purpose. I am not going to do a race report, but I will say that I was able to accomplish everything I had set out to. I even PR'd by about 20 seconds; running faster than at my peak last year. Definitely a good feeling; and something I needed after the awful week I had.

I emailed with Liz about this and told her it was reassuring that even though I feel slow during some of my training runs; I am capable to put out some nice speed on race day. The pace I ran was not in my real of possiblity a couple of years ago. Heck, even last year I didn't think I could run as fast as I did yesterday! To this day, it still boggles my mind. But you know what? I'll take it!

Another saturday update!

This week was a challenging one. Megan has been on antibiotics since friday of last week; and on monday they prescribed yet another medicine because after they did the long culture they found she had strep as well.

I don't know if it has been the illness or what; but her behavior at school changed dramatically this week. She went from being a really happy kid, participating in activities, playing with the other children; to a kid that cries all day for no apparent reason, does not participate, does not eat or does not play with others.

And I have been consumed with guilt. Guilt for being at work all day, guilt for wanting to take time for myself and train, guilt for a million reasons. And I by friday I was emotionally drained. It also does not help that we have entered the part of the month were my job becomes really busy and demanding, so I leave mentally exhausted. All of this makes me worried. Worried that there is something going on that I am missing. And when I try to "extract" answers from my child she does not provide them for me. And I have tried. Let her color, play pretend with dolls, ask open ended questions. She does not seem to realize that she was crying all day. She will tell me: Such and such did not let me play with such toy. And that is not a reason for her to cry ALL day, or is it? But yet, that is the only answer she will give me.

I reassure her that I will not get mad, or angry; that I am just concerned because I love her; but still I get nothing. And I am worried. My head is in a cloud and I am terrified that something big is going on and I am completely blind to it. And it drives me crazy! I hope I can get to the bottom of this fairly soon, for her sake and mine.

Training has been going good. I have managed to do all my workouts so far (except for friday's long run; which I have moved to sunday) and felt pretty good about them. I even felt wonderful at the pool, and that does not happen every day! I think I might finally be turning a corner when it comes to training. For now I will just keep at it, and with luck and hard work; when the time comes to put it all together, I will have a good day and be able to accomplish the goals I have set.

Buddies and workouts

Sunday morning and I sit here with my daughter the early riser. Now, I can understand the need for me to get up at 6 am to eat breakfast 2 hours prior to my 2 hour brick; but her?? She was up at 6:30. Ready to kick start her day with some hot milk and a waffle.

I had every intention of doing my brick yesterday but I woke up with a fairly bad migraine. I took over the counter medicine for it right away, but it did not help. After a couple of hours it had gotten so bad that I went to bed and took the prescription medicine. I try to stay away from it. I am not a fan of ingesting drugs if it can be avoided; but I do not think I had an option yesterday.

After laying down with my eyes closed for what seemed an eternity, the migraine finally started to subside. What a relief!!! Unfortunately it was already 4 PM and my body was wiped out! I took the rest of the day easier and after emailing coach I postponed the workout until today.

This past week was interesting to say the least. Work was hectic, busy and gave me my fair share of headaches; the weather was crazy (we even got snowed/iced in one day); and the workouts were pretty intense.

At work, since the merger is complete we were assigned a person from Corporate Finance to help us navigate throught the systems and such. They call this person our "buddy". Well, I am going to say that the word is indeed small. Of all the people up in corporate finance, i get paired with a guy, who not only is extremely helpful and patient; but who also likes soccer, my favorite sport to watch (he is also a fan of my Argentine Team); loves running and shares my sense of humor.

We work together quite well, share some jokes, talk smack and get the job done. Our small firm has been so focused on all the things we are having to do differently since the merger that most of the people have forgotten that the company that acquired us is working quite hard at making us feel comfortable as well. And we are a tough crowd to please. I have sat on countless conference calls where the air can be cut with a knife and the people are mostly on edge looking for ways to "attack" the other side. I have been that way for quite a while; but lately have been trying to cut people slack and put myself in their shoes. So I have been making a point of giving credit to people where credit is due. Since my "buddy" helped me tremendously I made sure that his boss knew how pleased I was with his help. It is only fair.

Training has been going well. I have managed to pretty much get ALL my sessions in; with the exception of one strength training routine, which might get squeezed in today while Megan takes her nap. Most of them have been indoors,, not only because it has been pretty cold outside, but also because I am making a point about staying safe. I do not want to run by myself outside at 5 am when it is dark and there is no one near by. The other night I went for a run after work, and it was starting to get dark; so even though I was in a very transited area I ran with my pepper spray in had; sans music.

We have started base training, so long runs have started, along with long bike rides and countless yards at the pool. The swimming is coming along, I think I might have discovered how to properly swim (yes it took me only 4 years ;-) ); and I will be working on that in the coming weeks. Next week I have a long swim that calls for 2x1000 continuous.... Should be interesting.

I have always loved biking, so I have no problem with spending time in the saddle. Even if it is indoors. Husband bought me the complete series of one of my favorite short lived Vampire shows and I have been watching those episodes each time I get on my bike. The new Tacx computer has proved to be awesome, the feedback I get from it is fantastic and it also offers much more resistance than my regular trainer; which makes more even more entertaining training sessions.

I think my running legs are finally starting to come back. I still feel slow, but as the year progresses and the sun starts coming out earlier and earlier, I will be able to run outside more and more; and that is the key to improve my running (I don't do as good on the 'mill).

So after a rough couple of weeks, I think I am finally able to gather myself, lift my head up and look ahead. For the next few weeks the road looks promising and challenging and I can't wait to get started.

Update

I can't believe it has been over a week since I updated the blog. Things have been pretty hectic around here. If you are my friend in FB, then you have seen me swear at various levels.

Work has been stressful to say the least. The merger is finally complete and the "little" shop I used to work for is now part of a multinational corporation where the rules are very strict and things are done way too differently. Just in case I have not said it enough already, I work for the accounting group of said corporation and after 2 weeks of our main system being down, it is now up and running; right at month end. Oh yeah, not only do we have to get used to the new system and try to learn it asap, we also have to close the month on schedule. There is not even a little bit of leeway for us numbers people.

My boss-man has not been the most helpful person lately. He has assumed a "very relaxed" position, while I am the one that is racking up her brains trying to figure out how we (or should I just simply say I) are going to do things.

There were a couple of days were I was on the verge of tears. Everything is centralized now and you pretty much need to do your part and then submit it to other for "execution". Well, those others are not doing their job the way they are supposed to and I am the one facing "the public". I have been getting phone calls from people that think I am as dumb as a brick, good for nothing, where in reality it is not me that is at fault; but others.

For a moment I thought: f*ck it! I am not going to care about it anymore. If my boss assumes the position that he is all cool and not worried about things getting done; then neither will I. If things don't get done, I won't care. But then it hit me: that is not who I am. I care. I know we have the responsibility of getting things done; and one way or another they have to be done. So I am the one that is usually worrying about everything.

I have been having really bad nights; where I really can't sleep well and I wake up all sweaty and stuff. And I worried about my training. I was concerned that my body was feeling overtrained already and I got scared. After all, it is the beginning of the year and I just took a month rest. But then I pieced it all together and realized it is just stress from work that has me all messed up. I wake up all fired up and do my workouts no problem, but when I realize that I have to go to work, my heart gets all heavy and my mood takes a turn for the worse.

It is definitely not fun. But hopefully things will get better once we get past this week and the next one. Luckily this time Todd is not traveling, so at least I have him at home to share the parenting duties.

On a happier note, this Friday husband and I have a date night. We are going out to dinner and then to catch a showing of Rent (the musical) that includes two of the original cast members. Rent is my favorite broadway musical and I love everything about it. I think the message it's great and the music is just fenomenal.

For dinner we are going to one of my favorite places: The melting pot. I know, it is not the most "balanced" eating, lots of cheese, bread, wine and chocolate; but we never splurge like this anymore. So I am going to allow myself to fully enjoy it without regret. Maybe not a lot of wine, because I do have a 2 hour workout the next morning, but definitely a lot of food :)

As a round-up of last week, I am happy to report that I completed my tests in all the sports and even though there was no improvement since the last time; I have not gone backwards. Or as Coach puts it; I am starting up at last year's peak. And that is damn good!

We also had the chance to identify some things that are holding me back, which I will be working on very consciously going forward. Sometimes you just have to make yourself DO something, get to the place you are afraid of, to trully realize there is nothing to be scared of. I plan on getting there.

So as I sit here tonight, I can say that I sort of see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I plan to head towards it with all my might. Hopefully it is not the train coming in the opposite direction :)

The first week of '09

Wow, I can't believe I am already done with my first training week for this year. Granted,  I did start early (monday the 29th), so for the finicky people it might not be the entire week; but I will count it as the first training week of '09.

I thought this week was going to kick my butt and leave me seriously sore; but it didn't happen that way. Besides a minor lack of sleep I think I am doing pretty good. I am actually more tired from working than working out. Ha!

Work has been another issue altogether. My co-worker's job was terminated on wednesday due to the merger, so I am now flying solo. We had known her job was coming to an end for a while now, but it was really sad to see it actually happening. It was about a little over a year ago that she first started and I remember not being able to connect with her very well. She was very shy and quiet. A couple of months passed and all of the sudden she told me there was something she needed to tell me: "I am 5 months pregnant".  She had found out about 2 weeks into the new job and she was afraid the boss would get angry. I did suspect it; after all there were some signs like going to the doctor every 4 weeks. But as I said she was very reserved, and I respected it.

After the cat was let out of the box, she opened up immensely, and we had some good times. We made a great team. She would help me out when needed and vice versa. I am going to miss her. Not just because I will have to do the work that 2 people did; but because our office (now only mine) will seem too quiet and not even the loudest music will be able to replace the conversations we had. Talking about our daughters, our significant others, our families. She even let me talk her ear out with all things triathlon! She knew when my big race was in '08 and even sent me a text message (I had told her how long I thought it would take me to finish the race) after I finished to congratulate me for it. I mean, it doesn't get better than that, does it?

So this year has already started with some challenges. Even though I have the same job and the same pay; I am learning the ropes of the "new world" post merger; and trying to make a name for myself. I hate sounding like this; but in times like these times, you can't count on people "having your back"; it seems as if it is the survival of the fittest, so I am left with no other option than to play the game. 

Don't worry, there are good things coming my way too. Some new "toys" that I have ordered that will make my training time much more enjoyable and efficient. Once they arrive and I set them up I will let you all know, and maybe I will even venture into posting a review, a la Wes.

For now, I am going to go and enjoy family time. This weekend it is for sleeping in, relaxing and re-charging batteries for when the staring bell goes off on monday at 5am.

Later dudes!

I guess rest does a body good...

This past week has been quite amazing.

I managed to survive one of the most stressful weeks work wise. Deadlines, problems to solve, people to please. I am not sure how, but I pulled it off. I managed to get everything on the list accomplished; and then some. Even when life threw me a curve ball.

One of my family members in Argentina was diagnosed with a nasty disease. At first I thought it was the end of the world. I was shocked; this person NEVER gets sick. I started imagining the worst. What would the rest of my family do? How would they keep going? Why did I move so far away? I felt guilty for not being there in this time of need. I worried, a lot.

That day when I got home from work; I called my family and they reassured me that even though the disease is there; it is early enough to where if certain measures are taken; it can be stopped in its tracks or slowed down considerably. I spoke my mind, loud and clear for all of them to hear. They asked I do not worry about it; and I said I would not if they promised to follow doctor's orders to the T. Luckily we came to an agreement. I know the road ahead is not an easy one for them as it involves quitting an addiction (smoking); but they are strong willed (as most of the members of my family) and I know they can do it.

On that day I decided I would go ahead and run my half marathon on saturday. I had not had a quality run (or a run) for a few weeks (since thanksgiving).In fact I was so focused on doing P90X that I had not swam, biked or ran for a couple of weeks. Now, let me tell you. After doing P90X for those couple of weeks, I realized that it was not the workout program for me. Why? It does not get me excited to follow it. As a matter of fact; I dreaded doing the workouts most of the days. Not because they were hard, but because they were boring. So I opted to just do their strength routines and kick up the Cardio with my own mix of Swim, bike & run.

Last month when I was sick for almost 2 weeks, coach and I decided that it would be best if i took the month off to fully recover. Besides, December tends to be a busy month for us in the accounting field; with holidays and fiscal year end all happening at the same time. So the training for this 1/2 marathon was put on hold. I still wanted to run the race, because stingy me had already paid the race fee and could not let the money go to waste, if you know what I mean :-). So I faced it as just a fun run. I would run it without any expectations. I would not push myself, I would just go and run, and have fun.

Saturday came along and I was up before the alarm clock went off. My body is so used to getting up at 5 am that I can't sleep past that time. Oh well. I got up and got ready. All dressed up in cold weather gear since it was below freezing and the high temperature for the morning was in the low 40's. I put on some tights, a wicking t-shirt and a warm wicking jacket (my favorite one... NIKE ) Got to the kitchen and made some breakfast. Some whole wheat waffles and propel water to drink. The breakfast of champions :-) I did my hair (pigtails and hat), grabbed some Gu's and headed out the door.

I got to the expo, picked up my packet, got my chip and bib number set up and headed to the potty lines. Of course, after all that propel water I needed to pee quite a bit. And then I witnessed something that was a "first" for me. The line for the MEN'S bathroom, was longer than the one for the women's. I smiled to myself. 

After using the facilities I headed to the start line. I tried using the signs for the pace groups to seed myself but once the crowd got bigger the pacers moved and I could not find them! As a result I think I was seeded incorrectly. Oh well, race was about to start and I did not have the energy to fight the crowd to try to go backwards.

The gun went off and we started running. The first mile is always hard. Your body is waking up and warming up. I passed the mile marker in 9.30.  I was going faster than I had anticipated but it felt good, it felt "natural".  I ran. I saw some familiar faces, I tuned into other people's conversations. I smiled at volunteers and traffic cops. I was just having a blast. I remember going through the 3 mile marker at 27 minutes. "Pretty good" I thought. I was running with my Garmin, just to see how long the course really was. Bad thing is that it had not acquired a signal when the gun went off, so I didn't start measuring until well into the first mile. I decided to keep it on just for the fun of it. To see what pace I was holding.

I was surprised. The little thing said I was running 8:54 and I did not even feel I was putting out an effort. I really cruised along the race. I was not "racing it"; I was just running. I drank at every water stop; alternating water and powerade. I even ran the water stops! Now, that's a first! I am always really clumsy and end up pouring the liquids on my body instead of in my mouth. But not this time. The course was hilly, and I could tell I was putting a slightly higher effort when going uphill, but nothing major. I was just keeping the pace. The only one goal I had for this race was to run the entire thing. I wanted to prove myself that no matter how slow I went, I would run it. Not even power walk it, run it. There is some kind of mental block I had with the distance for the longest time; and I wanted to overcome it.

I hit mile 7 in 1:03:xx. That is when I realized: "Holy shit! I am paced to come in at 2 hours or less". If you remember, that was my goal all along for this race. Break the 2 hour mark and have a great PR. I just could not believe it. Here I was, not even feeling like I was working; and yet within reach of my "dream goal". I told myself: "Don't get cocky, don't try to go faster; we are here to have fun". So I did. I just kept running.

Somehow, I was able to hold the pace. At mile 11, a guy in a Santa costume passed me and one of the spectators said: "Come on people! Run faster, you just got passed by Santa!" That made me laugh. That was another first... Laughing at mile 11. I am usually in some kind of mental battle at this point; but not Saturday. I was feeling it now though. I was starting to get tired, and putting an added effort. I just wanted to hold the pace to reach the sub 2 hour goal. I only had 2 more miles to go; but those 2 miles had some of the worst hills of the course.

Climb, climb, climb. Reach the top, turn right. Climb steep hill. Legs burn. Reach the top, turn right again; go down; reach the bottom. Repeat. That was how the last 2 miles were. My quads were burning. With less than .5 miles to go you took the last turn and you could see the finish line. Straight up there. Yes, I said UP. The freaking finish line was at an incline! No fair. I tried to kick it to the end; but my legs refused to turn any faster. I crossed the line. 

1:58:43. 

Holy freaking shit! An 18 minute PR. On a hilly course. I could not believe it. Seriously?! I was elated. Still am. I sent Liz a text. "I do not give my body enough credit".

I remember my first 1/2 marathon. It took me nearly 3 hours to finish it; and after I got back to the house I slept the rest of the day. Saturday, I ran and was FULLY functional all day. 

What baffles me the most is that I had taken my "off season" pretty seriously. I had been resting mightily. There had been no running for almost 3 weeks.  And yet, I managed to accomplish this. I guess rest does a body good :-). I am a believer now.

Wisdom

This past Friday I had my last 2 wisdom teeth removed. While it was a relatively painless procedure (I managed the pain with over the counter pain meds), the days that followed had me in a blue mood.

 

It is true what they say that exercising is great not only for the body, but also for the mind and the soul. Being sidelined due to much needed recovery is something that I do no appreciate much. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with resting. I love it when it is planned, but HAVING to rest is something that has the opposite effect in me. It makes me restless, it makes me second guess every little detail and decision. I guess you would call that insecurity, and perhaps I am plagued with it.

 

Thoughts of never doing enough, of never being good enough enter my head at least twice a month. Not good enough by whose standards? My own, of course! My husband and daughter adore me; and I am pretty sure they are proud of the things I do. But there is this little portion of me (or maybe not so little) that constantly thinks I could be better, that I should be better. And sometimes, it defeats the other rational side of the brain and sends me into a depressive panicky mode; where no matter what I do, it is never enough.

 

Call it weight loss, job performance, salary, mothering, being a wife, being a daughter, training, racing, whatever you want to call it. Whenever the nagging voice hits me, my performance on any of these things never seem to be good enough under my own standards. Self sabotage they say it’s called. And I am totally guilty of it.

 

I was raised in a loving family environment. Parents, brothers, extended family they were, and still are, all great supporters. Yet somehow, every once in a while their expectations seemed to be so completely outrageous that led us to failure and even lies. Yes, I admit it, I lied to my parents. But lets be honest, who hasn’t? And while not every lie is the same; a lie is a lie no matter what. And there is a burden to be carried because of these lies. Not because of the lies themselves but because of the feelings that led us to those lies.

 

One of the situations I remember quite vividly is during one of my finals in my 3^rd year of college. I had studied and worked for most of the year. Get up early; go to school in the morning; eat lunch; work part time in the afternoon; go home and study. There wasn’t a lot of time left for anything other than studying. Somehow I managed to have a boyfriend who attended the same school; but once he decided to change careers and transfer to another school; the relationship became inevitably broken. Heartache ensued, and no matter how much I tried to keep things separate and in perspective, there are times when your emotions take over your rational self.

 

I went to take the final; and of all the possible topics the Professor had to choose from; he chose the one I had not prepared. The one and only I was not ready to face. I failed the test. Call me silly; some people wouldn’t even consider going to take the final without being fully prepared; but I decided to take the chance. It did not go as planned and I learned my lesson. Knowing about my dad’s high expectations when it related to school work, I lied. I could not bear the thought about disappointing him; about telling him that I had failed, on a task that seemed simple enough. After all, the only thing they wanted from me was to be “good” at school. They didn’t make me work, I did it because I wanted my own money, my financial independence. So I lied. I told them I never showed up to the exam.

 

Would he have lectured me about prioritizing school work? Absolutely. Would he have been disappointed about me failing the test? I am not quite sure. Would it have caused him tons of heartache? No, it was just a test; it’s not like I did not graduate because of it. However, I  believe that it is because of little things like this; engrained in our brain, in our behaviors; that we self sabotage. Little past experiences build your character, and it is your actions back then that determine how you will face certain things in the future.

 

This is something I struggle with on a daily basis; balancing high expectations, with more rational ones. Wanting to be the best, with being the best I CAN be. Realizing that there will always be someone that beats you at something and letting go of it.  Being happy with who I am and how I am.

 

When I ask my husband how I look, or if there is something I need to improve; his answer is always the same: "your self esteem". Words of wisdom, from those who love us the most. It is time for me to start listening.

Ups & Downs

So far this week has been interesting. After taking a week vacation and pretty much slacking in terms of training; I am back at getting up at the crack of dawn to workout. My body has been complaining about the “new” old schedule and not very keen on being put in motion at 4:30 in the AM. When 9:30 pm rolls around I am usually in bed, attempting to watch some TV and end up asleep with my glasses on. Can you say tired??

 

Work has been work; some good days, some bad days. Some days when I question my career, some days when I love what I do. I guess you could say it is a bag of mixed feelings. On one hand I’d like to have more free time to dedicate to the sport, and on the other hand I do not want to put the responsibility of supporting this family entirely on Todd’s shoulders. Not that he is not capable of it; he is more than capable. I just think it is not fair. Why should I be the one that gets to pursue the time consuming sport and not him? I am no better or deserve it more than he does. Know what I mean? My head has gone back and forth on this matter many times and I still have not been able to make a decision.

 

Not to mention how guilty I feel when I leave for 3 hours straight during the weekends to go ride my bike, or swim in the open water, or run. This sport is what keeps me healthy, sane in the head, it is my ME time. And yet, I feel guilty for spending time on something so selfish. That is why I get up at the crack of dawn, to make sure I am using as little of the available family time we have. I know this will get easier as Megan gets older and she becomes more independent. Not to mention when she reaches an appropriate age to even join me in some of the activities. Some days I can’t wait for that to happen; and some other days I do not want her to grow up. Another bag of mixed feelings here. See a pattern?

 

I have also been struggling with my diet. I am not trying to lose weight. I am not starving myself. I am just having a hard time with my nutrition. And my GI tract is paying the price. I do not think that my diet is horrible and full of junk food; but evidently there is something that is not working as it is supposed to. I guess I have always struggled with keeping my diet clean, and for some reason I am having the hardest time now. I know it is a very important part of what we do; of this sport, and somehow I can’t get around to fixing it. I even got a nutrition consultation to get some ideas on what I was doing right and what I was not; only to not even pay attention to it.

 

Lots of things are going through my head these days, lots of questions. Emotions have been taking me by surprise; and sometimes I have been able to handle them just fine; and other times I have crashed and burned.  

 

Ups & downs they call them, right?

In a funk

Well, the weekend came and went. Lots of stuff going on around here.

Todd was back in town on Thursday night; Megan LOVED having her daddy around so much that she chose not to listen to me a.single.time. (I guess that is what is considered a daddy’s little girl, don’t you think?)

Friday was kind of a busy day. We got up relatively early as Megan is an early riser and I tried to do my outside run. I think the stressful week finally caught up with me and I was exhausted. My legs did not want to go. My body ached all over; my breathing was super labored, even though I was doing a zone 1-2 run. I ran 20 minutes of my prescribed 45 and decided to call it quits. I thought I was getting sick because of that aching feeling all over my body and was overly cautious as last time I got sick I was out of commission for the better part of a week.

We had breakfast, got dressed and went out shopping. Earlier this year we made the decision that for now we are sticking with just one child (if you remember it was a defining moment for us, and particularly me); and that left our house with an empty bedroom (what used to be the nursery-since we gave all of our baby stuff to my sister in law who is pregnant). Up to that point we had a total gym and my trainer set up in our bedroom, and had been talking about moving them to the spare room to use as a “gym”. I am happy to report that we finally did it. And not only did we put those pieces of equipment there… we also got a treadmill! Shocker! I am not a fan of the ‘mill, but with Todd traveling it is pretty much the only option I have if I want to do my runs during the week. So our little gym is all set up and our bedroom looks more like a bedroom, which is always nice.

In the evening we went to my in-laws house and had a small BBQ to celebrate the 4th and then we took Megan to see some fireworks. She was more interested in the puppy the people next to us had than the actually fireworks… And she had been anticipating the fireworks all day!

Saturday was pretty uneventful. I had my bike test on the schedule for the morning. Luckily I was feeling much better. I got some good sleep after the fireworks and I think that helped TONS. We stayed around the house, hit the neighborhood pool, ordered in some pizza for dinner and called it a night. Pretty low key.
I remember back in my 20’s when a Saturday night like this would have seemed “boring”. Ah! Growing older will change ya!

Sunday flew by. I went grocery shopping while Todd was still at the house. We had a nice lunch and then it was time to take Hubby to the airport for his second trip to Miami. After we dropped him off Megan and I hit target, and then it was back home to get back in the weekly wagon.

When Monday rolled around I was ready to tackle the week full force. Get back into the full swing of training after a challenging “rest” week (where I did not really get a lot of rest… not it terms of training though). And then I got into work. I was super busy and by the time I realized it, I needed to get my bootie to the pool before the camp kids got there. On the schedule, Liz put 2400 yds. Let me just summarize: it did not go so well. I freaked out on some of the sets (breathing 1-2 per 25… yeah, right). I got mad, upset, scared, wanted to cry. I thought: “I will never be good enough at this; I might as well stop now”. But I didn’t. Did I feel better afterwards? Not exactly. I guess you can say I am stubborn and I am not going to let the water win. I will keep at it, until I figure it out. It might take me my entire life, but I will eventually win. Man, I am just like my dad!

Yesterday I needed to do some hill repeats. I was really looking forward to the hurt. I needed it. I had arranged for my in-laws to pick Megan from daycare, so I could run after work. I was even looking forward to the heat and humidity (weird I know). And then, as I am getting ready to leave work… The sky starts falling in the form of rain, thunder, lighting and 50 mph winds (that is what the weather man said, so I will believe him). There goes my outside run. I was bummed. I drove to my in-laws to get Megan and the commute that usually takes me 35 mins, took me close to 1 hr! Traffic lights were not working at major intersections, trees had fallen into the street, accidents galore… you get the picture.

We ended up at home, eating dinner at 7:50 pm and I still had to do my run. After Megan went to bed I decided to jump on my treadmill. What followed was one of the suckiest run workouts I have had in a long time. My pace sucked. I needed to stay in zone 2 and could not even run an 11 minute mile without spiking my HR. I know that it was probably a combination of tiredness, stress, my stomach digesting the food, and the fact that I NEVER have done a workout at 9 pm (yes you read that right… I got on the ‘mill at 9 pm). I was still hoping for a bit more.

So today, I am in a funk of sorts. I am kind of disappointed. Mostly at myself I think. I am questioning if I am really doing my workouts right. Am I self sabotaging? Could I give more? How would I do it? How long will it take me to get to where I want to be? I know it is not easy, I know it will hurt, and I am ok with that. But evidently there is something that has not clicked 100% yet.

Tonight I have a session with my head. I will put on some nice mellow music. Grab pen and paper; and let it all come out. Hopefully I will find where the short circuit is and will be able to fix it.

A good one!!!

I had a swim test today.

10x100's with 10 secs rest in between.

Originally Coach had put it on the schedule for tomorrow, but since I knew today would be a tough day at work (and potentially the only day I could actually fit it a pool workout)  I decided to take advantage of my last "morning workout time" and head out.

I got to the pool and warmed up just as Liz suggested. Looked at the water, concentrated, turned on my watch and off I went.

I pushed hard on this test. My lungs hurt, my stomach churned; but I kept going. It was me against the clock. I wanted to improve since last time.

You know me and the water.. Not exactly best friends. But I think we are getting acquainted pretty well. Why? Because I was able to chop off... 8 seconds of my 100's pace! 

The day at work was super busy, exhausting. But I felt good about what I had accomplished this morning.

As I told Coach... I guess I CAN improve my swimming; now I just have to learn to not freak out in the open water.

Curve balls

Wow, it has been almost a week since I blogged. Can't believe how fast this week went by. There was so much stuff going on at this household that it was hard to keep up with all of it.

On tuesday night Todd got a call from his boss and was informed that starting monday he would need to travel Mon-Thu to Miami to work on this new assignment. When he was looking to switch jobs (before he got this one) and interviewed for this position there was a good chance he would have to travel. And we were ok with that. He then got assigned to a project were he didn't have the need to travel, and that lasted for about 4 months. We got spoiled. 

He was home in the morning and I was able to get out of the house for my early workouts at the pool and my runs. We had a nice schedule worked out. Mornings were for me, evenings were for him. And it worked wonderfully. We both got to do what we enjoyed and we also had plenty of family time. As I said, we were lucky his assignment was somewhat local. 

Now, as with any type of change, I am hesitant and even a bit scared. Things will be so much different. Megan and I will be by ourselves for most of the week. My morning workouts won't be able to happen anymore, unless I ride my trainer inside the house. I am used to the morning schedule, it gives me energy for the workday, it keeps me going. I guess you could say I am a morning person. Once this new assignment starts on monday I will have to do most of my workouts during lunch hour.. which means I will only be able to workout for an hour... No more 1:15 runs.... Because after running, I still need to shower and go back to work within a reasonable amount of time. My boss is pretty open though and I am sure we will be able to work something out.

Work is a whole other dilemma/issue. On monday is the fiscal year end for the company I work for, and even though it is a day like no other one for everybody else; it will be an extremely busy one for me. Not just because it is the year end, but because my company is also merging with another one and the task list keeps getting bigger and bigger by the minute. To top it all off I will probably have to work late to get everything that needs to get done on monday done; and Oh, yeah... Todd is out of town starting monday. Can you start seeing the big picture here?

To top it all off, once we merge with this other company... the tasks I perform at work, won't be there anymore. It's called centralization.. the headquarters do it all. There will be no more books to keep. There will be no more bank accounts to reconcile. No more checks to write. All my accounting duties will be taken away from me; and most likely I will remain a paper pusher. Now, don't get me wrong. There is nothing against paper pushers here; but that is not what I want to do with my career. The way I see it, my job will be gone in the short term and I will be left wondering what to do next.

Life has thrown me a couple of curve balls this week, and some of them hit me and got the best of me. For the first time since I started training with coach, I felt like crying during a workout. And not because I was in pain, but because I just could not focus on the task at hand and all the other things in my life kept getting in my way. So I stopped. For the first time I cracked, and you know what? I needed it. 

It was a humbling experience. I am not made of steel (even though I like to pretend I am really tough) and it is ok to break down every once in a while. It makes you appreciate things in a different way. It changes your perspective.

It will be hard at first, but things will get better. I am ready for the new challenge,  ready to take a good swing at those curve balls and send them back to where they came from.

Rock on.