Wisdom

This past Friday I had my last 2 wisdom teeth removed. While it was a relatively painless procedure (I managed the pain with over the counter pain meds), the days that followed had me in a blue mood.

 

It is true what they say that exercising is great not only for the body, but also for the mind and the soul. Being sidelined due to much needed recovery is something that I do no appreciate much. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with resting. I love it when it is planned, but HAVING to rest is something that has the opposite effect in me. It makes me restless, it makes me second guess every little detail and decision. I guess you would call that insecurity, and perhaps I am plagued with it.

 

Thoughts of never doing enough, of never being good enough enter my head at least twice a month. Not good enough by whose standards? My own, of course! My husband and daughter adore me; and I am pretty sure they are proud of the things I do. But there is this little portion of me (or maybe not so little) that constantly thinks I could be better, that I should be better. And sometimes, it defeats the other rational side of the brain and sends me into a depressive panicky mode; where no matter what I do, it is never enough.

 

Call it weight loss, job performance, salary, mothering, being a wife, being a daughter, training, racing, whatever you want to call it. Whenever the nagging voice hits me, my performance on any of these things never seem to be good enough under my own standards. Self sabotage they say it’s called. And I am totally guilty of it.

 

I was raised in a loving family environment. Parents, brothers, extended family they were, and still are, all great supporters. Yet somehow, every once in a while their expectations seemed to be so completely outrageous that led us to failure and even lies. Yes, I admit it, I lied to my parents. But lets be honest, who hasn’t? And while not every lie is the same; a lie is a lie no matter what. And there is a burden to be carried because of these lies. Not because of the lies themselves but because of the feelings that led us to those lies.

 

One of the situations I remember quite vividly is during one of my finals in my 3^rd year of college. I had studied and worked for most of the year. Get up early; go to school in the morning; eat lunch; work part time in the afternoon; go home and study. There wasn’t a lot of time left for anything other than studying. Somehow I managed to have a boyfriend who attended the same school; but once he decided to change careers and transfer to another school; the relationship became inevitably broken. Heartache ensued, and no matter how much I tried to keep things separate and in perspective, there are times when your emotions take over your rational self.

 

I went to take the final; and of all the possible topics the Professor had to choose from; he chose the one I had not prepared. The one and only I was not ready to face. I failed the test. Call me silly; some people wouldn’t even consider going to take the final without being fully prepared; but I decided to take the chance. It did not go as planned and I learned my lesson. Knowing about my dad’s high expectations when it related to school work, I lied. I could not bear the thought about disappointing him; about telling him that I had failed, on a task that seemed simple enough. After all, the only thing they wanted from me was to be “good” at school. They didn’t make me work, I did it because I wanted my own money, my financial independence. So I lied. I told them I never showed up to the exam.

 

Would he have lectured me about prioritizing school work? Absolutely. Would he have been disappointed about me failing the test? I am not quite sure. Would it have caused him tons of heartache? No, it was just a test; it’s not like I did not graduate because of it. However, I  believe that it is because of little things like this; engrained in our brain, in our behaviors; that we self sabotage. Little past experiences build your character, and it is your actions back then that determine how you will face certain things in the future.

 

This is something I struggle with on a daily basis; balancing high expectations, with more rational ones. Wanting to be the best, with being the best I CAN be. Realizing that there will always be someone that beats you at something and letting go of it.  Being happy with who I am and how I am.

 

When I ask my husband how I look, or if there is something I need to improve; his answer is always the same: "your self esteem". Words of wisdom, from those who love us the most. It is time for me to start listening.

Addiction

Now, just admit it... You were glued to your computer pretty much all day saturday watching IM World Champs live. I know I was. Even though the chair I have at the Mac is hard as heck and it is not the best in terms of back support; I didn't seem to be able to care much about that. All I wanted to do is sit there and watch.

Multiple times I wondered that day why I was so addicted to the event; why I kept putting everything else in the back burner for that single afternoon. And then it hit me. It is about overcoming, about conquering, about arriving. About being left to your own resources and pulling through victorious. About facing tough situations and not backing down. About persevering. About setting our mind on a goal, having a dream and doing everything in your power to see it come true. 

I sat and watched those people in awe. The pros, the age groupers, the back of the packers, the disabled (that truth be told, are more able than a lot of people out there, so I think should have a different "name" to them). And it made me think. Not just about triathlon but about life in general. It inspired me to reach deep down and pull my true dreams to the surface. And trust me when I tell you I have some BIG dreams. And they are about everything and anything you could possibly imagine.

As I grow more and more disappointed at my job; one of those dreams is about finding where my true passion lies. Yes, I do love numbers, after all, I did go to school for economics; but I have an equal passion for letters, and for the english language. You might think it is odd since it is not even my birth language; but there is something about the way it sounds, the way it reads that has me completely enthralled. How some people are able to make you see things just by using words; how they are able to create entire worlds that captivate every single fiber of your being; how once you find their work, the work of these amazing writers, it fills you up inside, it makes you feel whole once again. And I want that. I want to be one of them. But excelling at something requires work, and I have a lot of that ahead of me if I want to become what I dream. 

I cannot afford to quit working; and let's face it, with the economy the way it is this days; it wouldn't be on the smart side to try to make a career change on a whim. There is a lot of thinking that needs to be done. A lot of planning. A lot of searching. But the idea is out there. 

Yadda, Yadda, Yadda

Not much to report around here. I am still in the “easy” recovery mode. I took last week completely off and had the green light to eat junk food galore. It is amazing how your body changes and how much you care about those changes. Believe me my friends when I tell you I tried to eat junk food, but nothing looked super appealing. Yes, I partook on my fair share of chocolate, cookies and ice cream; and while those could be considered junk food; they don’t exactly fall in my description on “junk” (burgers, fries, pizza, etc). They are just sweet tasty treats J

It took my body about 3 days to quit being sore. I originally thought I’d be much more uncomfortable, in a lot more “pain”; but was pleasantly surprised when that was not the case. I think it would be safe to say that after about 4 days I felt normal again… And then I tried to play chase with Megan… I literally took 4 strides and the body said: “Oh no, you didn’t”. As coach has said to me MANY times, recovery is important and I am making sure my body is fully back to being functional before I resume the schedule.

This week I have been slowly adding some workouts here and there. I went for a swim on Monday and even though the water felt cold when I got in (I was seriously considering swimming in the warm pool because I did not want to face the cold water); it was a nice relaxing swim. Yes, you read that right. I said relaxing. In my world, relaxing and swimming don’t mix often; but I guess there is always an exception to the rule, right? On Tuesday I ventured into doing some strength training with my husband’s P90X workouts. I have not touched a weight in months and I reached for the standard 5lb dumbbell that is usually heavy enough to make me hurt after the first 8 reps. Lo and behold: they were too light! I guess the swimming is really helping out my arm muscles after all! Yesterday I got up early and went for an easy run. It was short, a mere 2 miles; but it felt great! I am really looking forward to running more this winter. I want to get faster and more efficient.

I have signed up for a fall ½ marathon here in town and I am hoping that with proper training I will be able to set a new PR. What is that going to be? Not sure. I’d like to aim for less than 2 hours but I am not able to tell right now since I haven’t even started training and coach is away at Kona so we really have not chatted much about it.

I have also been busy scheduling doctor’s appointments and checkups. Not that there is anything wrong with me, but there were some things that I knew needed my attention; so I am taking care of them now. One of them was a visit to the dermatologist. I have a couple of moles I was concerned about; and since this sport has us being exposed to so much sunlight I decided that it is a good precautionary measure to add a visit to the specialist once a year; just to make sure everything is in order. By the way, my moles turned out to be just that: moles. Nothing to worry about. Exactly what I wanted to hear.

I started thinking about my season next year and toying around with what races I’d like to do. Some of you might have already read it on FB; but I made a HUGE decision. This November I am going to Panama City Beach, FL to volunteer at IM… The day after, I am signing up for IMFL’09! To this day, it still surprises me that I am even thinking about Ironman. I remember when it seemed so far fetched a mere 3 seasons ago; and now I feel like I am SO ready.

Husband and I have discussed multiple times about the commitment this will be for all of us as a family unit; and he keeps reiterating that he supports me 100%. I have even showed him some of the posts coach put on her blog about her personal experience with IM. He is still on board. And I am psyched!

Besides the BIG race, I will also be doing two half Iron events; a local one and then Augusta 70.3 with Muppetdog, and maybe some sprints (have not decided on those yet). For now, I am focusing on the Off season and becoming lean and mean. This november I am supposed to "Become a swimmer" in Liz's words... I will let you know when and if that happens. Right now, I am off to enjoy some homemade food (that reminds me of Home with my mom and dad) made by yours truly. Catch you later.

PS: Hola Mamma! Te extranio!