Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

A few weeks ago I wrote about my goals for 2013. It is time for a little checkin' in.

1) Cook more: I have done pretty well here. While I still am not where I want to be, basically cooking healthy meals for the family every night, that include veggies galore (even if I am the only one that eats them); I have improved my average home-cooking nights to about 5. Not bad, not bad. The meals are not exactly the leanest, most healthy, but at least they are home made and not processed. Gotta start somewhere.

2) Reduce work stress: this is the one goal that I thought would take me the longest to achieve. I was wrong! Pretty much after I posted my 2013 goals, an opportunity popped up within my company to do something that I think will be an amazing fit. It is a total leap of faith as it is something I have not done before, but it really appeals to me and my inner geek.  I will get to work from home and this will help with goal #1 as well, as I will be able to cook throughout the day... So if meals take longer, I will still be able to make them. Transition will be complete mid april and I cannot wait!

3) Yell less: Not doing so well here. Stress is still high and I am not coping too well. But bound to get better shortly.

4) Be a better mom and wife: trying. Very hard.

5) Further education: not gotten to that spot yet. Still thinking about it. I want to see what this new turn in my professional life holds and go from there.

6) Visit Argentina: Have not even begun planning.

7) Get stronger: making VERY slow progress. Some weeks are great, some other ones not so good. Once my job transition is complete I might take up Crossfit. Still deciding.

8) Step out of my comfort zone: Goruck Challenge still to come, but the job switcharoo is a good step in this direction too.

9) Make improvements to my swimming: not sure here. I did have my best swim test to date since I have been working with my coach; but I am hungry for more. Swim intensive training block beginning soon.

10) Power to weight ratio: Bike test tomorrow... We will see.

11) Re-learn to hurt on the run: This is proving to be harder than I though. Over the off season, self confidence picked up and left; and I am struggling. Big time.

12) Share more: I am going to go with "making progress". Updating the blog counts, right?


I guess I can say things are shaping up and this will be a good year. I am so stoked that the job changing thing is happening. I have not really gone into great detail on why the change is oh so needed; but trust me when I say, it has been extremely hard. Let's just say that when you do not feel appreciated and you are measured by some pretty irregular sticks, there are many a times when you just want to pick up and leave. I have been there, multiple times in the past 10 months. Not healthy.

Regarding the hole... I am still in it, but not as deep. My self confidence is still shot, and I am still blaming myself for pretty much everything that goes wrong. However, with the recent turn of events I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Change can be scary sometimes, but not this time. I am ready for it!

The hole I am in

For the past 3 weeks I have been struggling with myself. Struggling with my "you are not enough and never will be" inside voice. Feeling like everything I do is "small change", always wrong, never right. It is a tough place to be. It is a place of unhappiness, bad mood and permanent self doubt. A place filled with what ifs and a major need for radical change. A place where you feel like you are failing at everything you try; even after your loved ones make you realize you have not failed. And it is hard. It feels like you are in a hole and you can't get out.
That's where I am at, where I have been for a while now. And when I try to put it into perspective by thinking about all the great things I have and how grateful I should be; I feel even worse... guilty for having felt bad in the first place. It is a vicious circle. And I can't seem to find the end of it. I feel lost, without a purpose. I don't know where I am headed anymore.
I have days where I feel I have a handle on things, only to wake up the next morning and realize I am back in the hole. Did I even get out of it in the first place? I feel responsible for everything that goes wrong with the family. School grades not good enough? I probably should be doing more. Kids don't want to eat the dinner I made? I am a horrible cook. Husband is in a bad mood? I am sure I have caused it.
I have become an unhappy version of myself. And I don't like it. I know what you might think... well, snap out of it already! And believe me, I have tried. I just fall back in. I hold it together for a couple of days, and at the first sign of something not going as planned... down I go.
I know I have accomplished a lot of things; great things at that. I just have lost sight of it all. It's like all past accomplishments mean nothing and I am struggling to regain an objective view again.
Who would have thought post Ironman blues would last this long?