Did that just happen? Thoughts on becoming a brand ambassador

OK, just go ahead and pinch me.. Did this really happen? Did I really get selected to be a part of an ambassador team?? How did this happen? I mean, yes, I sent the application; but I thought FOR SURE I would not get selected. I do not lead an exciting lifestyle, I am not a top speed athlete, and honestly last season was one of my worst in my whole triathlon "career". As you could have probably guessed by reading the above lines, I am my worst critic and usually struggle with my own self acceptance and self worth (not to mention my social interactions). So, to say I was SHOCKED when I got the email from the company's founder/owner welcoming me to the Ambassador team; is a severe understatement.

But then something magical happened. Receiving that email, made me realize/believe, that I am indeed worthy. Despite hearing from my family members how awesome they think I am and how proud they are of me, having someone from the "outside" put this kind of trust in you... is well, just empowering; and i n my case can be the catalyst of change. I know it might sound silly, or even sad; but that email sparked a whole new level of commitment to myself, to the sport and the brand I will be representing. 

A commitment to try my hardest at being the best I can be. A commitment to not being so harsh on myself. A commitment to stop trying to be perfect. A desire to open myself up and connect. It is time to stop being fearful and start being a little more daring. 

What brand will I be proudly representing? Coeur Sports. "What is Coeur Sports?" you might ask. Well let me tell you! It was founded by Kebby Holden, who after being in endurance sports for 10 years could not find a race kit that was actually cute or that fit well. So she set out to design the best looking, best fitting, most comfortable and most functional line of clothing for the female endurance athlete. Their kits are absolutely gorgeous! They come in a variety of patterns and colors.. the red one being my most favorite ;-)

But what struck me the most about the brand, is the message behind the name. 

"Coeur is French for heart & the root of the word courage. And that’s what we put into our collections and our sport. As an athlete, you know that athletic performance is about so much more than genetic talent. Its also about heart. Heart is about digging deep and being mentally tough. Heart is what gets you to the finish line when all the body wants to do is lay down.  Heart is at the center of the community and the friendships you find in sport. Heart is what makes you give back to the community that has given you so much. the  Everything we do at Coeur - from our designs to how we play a role in our community - should reflect our values and how we aim to conduct ourselves. This is one of driving factors that led us to our decision to give 1% of each of our sales to the Challenged Athletes Foundation."

I am so excited to have the opportunity to be a part of the 2014 Coeur Ambassador team. 2014 will be a great year, I can already feel it. Bring it!

Rekindling the fire

Last weekend I drove to Wilmington, NC to spectate Beach to Battleship. A lot of my masters swim mates were either competing or spectating and I thought it was a great opportunity to mingle in a non pool setting as well as spectate a race… something I must admit I do not do very often.
I got in the car on Friday evening, after I fed the family some dinner and made my way to the city on a very dark and deserted road. My only company were the tunes I was playing… and yes, singing at the top of my lungs. Hey when there is no one in the car.. who cares how out of tune I am!

I arrived a little after 10 pm and met my friend Jen, her son and boyfriend. Jen's boyfriend was competing on his first half IM; and Jen had never spectated a triathlon before. I had not seen Jen for at least a month, and even though I wanted to catch up and do some talking; I knew we needed to go to sleep in order for her boyfriend ( R ) to get some rest before the race. I challenged Jen's son to a "fall asleep race"… and I think I won unintentionally… That's what happens when you wake up at 5 am, work all day, drive a boring 4 hours and stay up WAY past your normal 9 pm bedtime.

When the next day rolled in, we got ready, ate some breakfast and headed out to the race course to try to catch R on his swim to bike transition. We got to the race site, got situated in a nice spot and then we waited.. and then waited some more… Turns out that R had a much faster swim split than anticipated and we completely missed him. Ooops.
Determined to not miss his next transition we got in the car to head to T2… The joys of a point to point race.

We made it to T2 with time to spare and even had time to go get some warm coffee… it was a COLD morning. We positioned ourselves along the IN section towards transition and we could see, not only the bikes come in, but also the runners on the first out and back portion of their run.
Triathletes started rolling in soon after we found our spot (in the sun!) and the fun spectating began. I tried to give Jen as much information as possible about everything and what to expect when R rolled in. I pointed out different running forms and how to tell if a runner was evidently hurting or not based on how stiff their stride looked. And then it hit me…. I LOVE this sport; and I wanted to be racing!

R rolled in and he looked AWESOME! He had crushed his swim time, but gave us a pretty good estimate of what his bike split would be.. He nailed that one. We yelled super loud for him and he finally saw us when he first started running. He looked GOOD! Light on his feet and ready to throw down on the run. I knew right there he would come well under his run estimate. After collecting his things out of transition we made our way to the finish line about half a mile away.

At this point I was bummed I had not seen any of my masters friends. Not really knowing what splits they were expecting I had no idea where to look for them. Come to find out, one of them had actually passed right in front of me when headed out for the run… Oops again.

Luckily I was able to connect with them at the finish line and we spent a little bit of time spectating together with Jen and son. About 25 minutes after we had made it to our desired position close to the finish chute; R came along… Completely CRUSHING his expected run time by almost 20 minutes!!!! He was running the half marathon at my 5k Pace. Ha! One of these days I will be able to run that fast too for longer than 3 miles.
He finished the race with an awesome sub 5:15. His first half IM! Way to go R!

I had a pretty bad season in 2013 as evidenced by my previous post, I got burnt out and lost the sense of fun in the whole triathlon world. Spectating this race was exactly what I needed to light that fire back up and remind me how much fun this is. I am ready to tackle 2014. Let the fun begin!

In retrospect

After a lot of denying and trying to get through this past season; a couple of months ago I finally accepted the fact that I was injured. I was injured and I had gone through this season just to get through it. My best work did not show up on the daily, and when I expected myself to do great at races.. of course I didn't! And then the disappointment would settle.

The reality is… I bit more than I could chew during 2013 and I hurt myself. Not just physically, but also emotionally. I forgot to make ME a priority on my daily life and it showed. I spent most of my races questioning WHY I was there. Why was I racing?

I had a season plagued with self doubt, self imposed limits and the constant mind bug: you do not belong here, you are not worthy of this. And during the entire season, I believed it all. And I fell more and more into the hole. Downward spiral they call it.
The more I doubted myself, the more half assed I performed my workouts. The "worse" my workouts were, the worse my races became. There is no secret, we all triathletes know it… If you put in the work, you will get the results. You can't expect excellence on race day, when you have put on mediocrity on the day to day.

Throughout my 2013 season I felt like I had no direction, I felt lost. Not just about triathlon, but about life in general. I struggled with what I wanted to become; I struggled with my relationships with others. I felt alone and unwanted. Yes, I have a WONDERFUL family; that truth does not escape me.
But sometimes, there have to be other things in life besides being a mother/wife. And there is where my struggles lie. I have been living in the USA for 11 years, and for that entire time… I have felt like I do not belong anywhere. I have felt unaccepted no matter how hard I have tried to fit in.
You see.. to me, friendship is a two way street, and I do not want to be the one that is always initiating contact. But I am. And it is a sad realization that unless I emailed/called/IM'd someone… no one would talk to me. And I feel lonely.

And I think this realization was also a part of why I took my triathlon training a lot less serious this season. I wanted to be wanted; I wanted to fit in. I branched out and tried other things; but I was not entirely happy either. I love triathlon, the things I have accomplished through the sport, the way it makes me feel. But when one is fully committed to it, the truth is, there is not a lot of time for other things. Add to that a family and a full time job; and unless you can find a training partner that is in the exact fitness level you are at, you will be doing most of your training alone. It is a hard balance, and this year I sucked at keeping it.

Where does that leave me? Wish I knew. One thing for sure, I do not want to feel as "lame" as I felt during this tri season. Yes, I am not as fast as I wish I was… I might never be the top of my age group, but I will never know for sure if I do not try my hardest. So there I go.

Where am I at?

I have not updated this in a LONG time. I think we are due for another "check-in" on the 2013 goals. Here we go:

1) Cook more: I am still doing fairly well here. I am not where I want to be, but I am still trying to make progress. We do not eat out as much, but I feel like I can do SO MUCH better.

2) Reduce Work stress: Mission accomplished! I was able to successfully switch positions within the company I work for; and I am loving my new spot. It plays to what I consider be the strong analytic side of my brain. I am a Business Analyst now, for one of the highly used internal systems. My geek side is in action, and I love it!

3) Yell less --> failing miserably. Enough said. :-(

4) Be a better mom and wife. I have made some progress! Even though I still yell, I am trying to put myself on the other person's shoes a lot more.

5) Further education --> not interested this year. I am loving my new work occupation and before I decide to "specialize" on something I want to make sure I LOVE what I will specialize in.

6) Visit my family in Argentina --> Not happening. But.. MY MOM is coming to visit!!! WEEE! She will be in the US for the first time ever and I am Oh so excited! She will stay with us for 3 weeks and she will even be here when my A race for the season happens --> she will see me race, for the first time EVER! July/August will be GREAT months

7) Get stronger: this one has taken a back seat. I still want to get stronger, but I think I will seriously focus on it once Tri season is over.

8) Step out of my comfort zone. I had some partial success at the beginning of the year when I signed up and successfully completed the Goruck challenge. After tri season I will be attempting some other Obstacle course type events. My biggest fear? Heights.

9) Make improvements to my swimming. Just yesterday I was able to break 1:30 on a timed 100! Booyah!

10) Get my power to weight ratio above 3. I am Oh so close! I think last bike test I was at 2.99 or something... ALMOST there.

11) Re-learn how to hurt on the run. Not doing so well. My mind has some serious issues with this. When I run hard, my stomach hurts, once my stomach starts hurting my brain craps out --> chicken me backs off. I NEED TO GET PAST THIS. It is one of those things that make me really mad, but I can't seem to break away from.

12) Share more. The jury is still out on this one. I don't think I have made much progress.

As you can see, the list above is about 50/50 progress/no progress. But I guess 50% is better than no progress at all, right? I have successfully been able to remove myself from the hole I was in  for such a long time; well at least most of me. I think having my mom here and spending some time with her will do me a lot of good. I am so excited to show her around, for her to see my house, the place I work at, where I get my groceries. I know I have said this so many times, but the cultural/society differences are so many, I can't wait for her to see it with her own eyes. I can't wait for her to spend some time with her grand kids and see those relationships flourish. That is one of the hardest things about living so far away; my side of the family does not have the privilege of spending as much time with my littles. Lots of things happening in July/August. I am excited for what's to come!

Goruck Challenge - Boston

About 8 months ago, Husband completed the Goruck Challenge for the first time. Class #192 in Charlotte. Upon witnessing first hand the event and the connections he was able to make with the people in the class, I was drawn in to try it myself. So, shortly after the completion of his challenge I signed up for my first one; with the condition that some of his friends from Class #192 did it with me.

As most of you know, I am mostly inclined to doing triathlons. The type of sport that it just requires you to be with yourself for long periods of time; caring only about yourself and what YOU can do to move yourself forward. This would be a completely different beast. Time ticked away, some days faster than others; and all of a sudden the weekend of the challenge was right around the corner.

We flew ourselves up to Boston and upon arrival we met with a bunch of friends. Both the virtual and real kind of friends. I was hugged, kissed and assured that I would have a great time and rock the challenge. I was a bit skeptical (and scared). Most of the folks that were doing the challenge with me, spent the night prior to it awake; either doing the challenge or witnessing it. Understandably, they were all tired the afternoon preceding my challenge, and they all went to sleep. Me? Not so much. I started getting panicky.. thinking I was getting sick, that I would in no way be able to finish. Bad thoughts inundated my head.

The time passed slowly... I just wanted 10 PM to arrive, so I could just get going with it. When it was time to get ready, I did so quietly and trying to be methodical. I am not sure how successful I was, but I got all my stuff together. It was cold. Freezing. Layers were put on, gloves, beanie, two pairs of socks. We made our way to the start, stopping along the way to grab a bite to eat.

At 10 PM Cadre Lou (for those of you that do not know.. here is the definition of cadre from Dictionary.com) gave us instructions to go into formation. After roll call (there ended up being 44 of us, from the original ~ 70 that were signed up), cadre introduction (there were 7 of them) and ruck inspection (you are supposed to carry a ruck with 4 bricks if you are under 150 lbs, and 6 bricks if you are over 150 lbs), the "welcome party" started. This consisted of a set of physical exercises; push ups, bear crawls, low crawls, flutter kicks. The goals is to get the group to start working together as a team.

One of the exercises of the welcome party was what they call the inchworm push up. What is it you ask? Well, you stand in a line and upon assuming push up position one person in front of the other, the person that is right in front of you puts their feet on your back, and you put your feet on the back of the person behind you. This way everybody is "connected". My luck was such that I ended in the back of the line. My feet were the only feet that touched the ground. Doing push ups on my toes is challenging enough for me as it is; add a weighted ruck and someone's feet on top, and I have pretty much an impossible mission in my hands. I was doing my best when, upon being instructed to move backwards, I was not able to get off the floor on time and the person in front of me bent my back backwards. I heard it crack, and it hurt. Tears welled in my eyes and I held in a little scream (you are supposed to "suffer in silence"). I removed myself from the line and curled in a ball to stretch out my back. Cadre Jason came over and drilled me with questions. He first made sure I was ok, and then started asking if I would be able to continue: "Are you sure you will be able to keep going for 10-12 more hours? Without slowing down your team?" There was NO doubt in my mind that this was just a little hiccup. There was NO way I was quitting. I made that clear; and I was asked to get back in line. I did.

After a series of other exercises, they split us into 2 classes of 22 people. Here is when I realized... I was on the team that did NOT have my friends, or my husband. I thought about this and I knew without hesitation that if that is what needed to happen, I would STILL finish the challenge. Luckily, the other team realized I was missing and asked for the swap to be made. Relief.

Upon the splits, I was promptly selected as Team Lead (TL). Our welcome party continued. for 2.5 more hours. Being TL was difficult, I was confused most of the time. Trying to keep the group together while having your head down and doing all the exercises was rough. In the challenge the team must come first, and I found it very challenging to achieve the balance needed. I got called out a bunch of times: "TL this" "TL that"... More confusion. Worries. Husband got hurt. I wanted to help, but couldn't. I was TL. TL's lead. Get your head on straight. Keep going.

This is where I had my first weak moment. We were doing a running up/down exercise, and I was having trouble getting up fast enough. The weight was getting to me. I felt the tears well up and the desperation creep in. Luckily at this time, husband and I were paired up. I took a look at him and I knew I could push through and finish the task. Deep breath, focus, go. Give it your best, that's all you can do. Keep trying.

Finally, after we moved some snow from point A to point B, I was fired as TL and told to join the ranks. When cadre uttered the words, all I could say was "Thank you". I think he laughed. Finally a new TL was picked and we moved on to our first mission.

Honestly, I do not remember what the missions were. Even though I was lucid and never felt tired/sleepy, I was just focused on getting through the task at hand and for some reason I have forgotten the details. The way it works is you are given a task and a time to complete it by. Even though I do not remember what most of our tasks were, I am pretty sure we missed most of our time hacks.

At one point we arrived at a site that held a bunch of extra things for us to carry around. A log, some construction materials, a ladder. There were so many things that everybody in the group was carrying something, at least 10lbs more than the weight of your ruck. We trudged along. We made slow progress.

We climbed stairs, crossed bridges, we walked and then walked some more. All of the sudden we arrived at the shores of a body of water (I think it was the Charles river? but I am not sure). We all knew what was coming. "Put your rucks down, take off any clothes you don't want to get wet and go in the water, knee level". Freezing water! Once in the water we did squats. Low enough to get our butts wet. We squated to the tune of the Spongebob Square pants song. And then we were allowed to get out. I promptly slipped and my hands ended up in the water.

"Put your clothes on fast". One person had completely stripped down, completely naked. It took him a while to get dressed... And we were getting cold. Mountain climbers. Move, move, move. Get warm. My shoes were wet, my toes hurt from the cold, and I was starting to lose feeling on my fingers. Get in formation and move out. At this time I got a hold of the flag and started setting the pace. I didn't last long, as holding the flag meant I had to leave my fingers still... No circulation = no feeling in fingers. I passed the flag to someone else and moved to the back of the line.

We ran some more, we got dry along the way and warmed up some. We did more up/downs. We "took" a monument, and then we rested. Penguin huddle to stay warm. Feet still hurt, a lot. Change gloves, put on an extra hoodie. Eat some food. Drink some water. Get in formation, move out.

We arrived at a "hill" where we had to do buddy carries. This is where my lowest point of the whole challenge would come. Husband was carrying me, ruck included. And I started to feel sick. I could not breathe, I thought I was going to throw up. Daylight had arrived, so I knew we were more than half way through. "I have come this far, please do not let this happen now" I was angry, I was worried, I hated thinking that the team was getting punished because of me. And I hated myself for that.  I was allowed to sit down and compose myself. I fought the tears, focused on the breathing and did not allow the bad thoughts to take over my head. As soon as I was feeling well enough, I got back in it. Determined to not let this get the best of me. I grabbed the flag again, and when cadre saw me, I think he gave me a nod and a wink of approval. I felt a weird sense of accomplishment. I had overcome. Win.

We continued to move at a steady pace. Sometimes faster than others. At some point we reached a small baseball field. And I think that might have been the only time hack me made all night. Once we climbed over the fence we played a little "game". I won't go into the details, but I am going to say both my knees are bruised because of it, and I got the "easy" end of it. Guys got it a LOT worse.

After the game ended, we headed out of the field, we walk some, we shuffle some, moving forward as a unit being the #1 goal. Next thing I know the streets start to become familiar, and we are headed to the start point. This can only mean one thing... we are about to be done. We reach the park, we get in formation. And are promptly given another mission to complete. We head out, and at this point I can't tell if spirits are high or not. I am definitely tired, but I know we are close to the end. Hang in there, hang in there. More push ups. "Give us five good ones and you can be done with them". We do. Get in formation again. Move.

Climb down more stairs, cross over muddy pit. Stay together, stay together. We reach the park where we started and are given 30 seconds to reach the monument at the top of the hill. The end is close. I can smell it. We start running. I fall behind, I can feel the weight of the pack, my legs can't go any faster, my stomach is all in knots like it gets when I do a very hard effort. I want to walk, SO bad. But something inside tells me... NO, the team will NOT suffer because of you. Push. Push. We reach the top. Get back in formation. I am the last one to join the line.

Cadre Adam steps atop a bench and announces we have completed the Goruck challenge. Tears flood my eyes. I did it. I finished it. I look around for husband and he is on the other end of the line. I need a hug STAT. Jen, Chris, Jim... they are all there. I get my hug. Husband appears. More hugs. Next thing I know I am being pushed to the front to get my patch. This is so surreal. Shake hands, get patch. Look at Cadre Jason... "Aren't you the one that asked me if I would be able to continue 10-12 more hours when we were doing the inchworm pushups?" "Yes, that was me" "Well, it looks like I did"

To all of Class 461-A... I am glad I got to do my first challenge with you all. To my AH family: I love you to pieces. Thank you for being there for me, even if you weren't physically there. It meant the world.

I am Goruck Tough. F*ck yeah!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

A few weeks ago I wrote about my goals for 2013. It is time for a little checkin' in.

1) Cook more: I have done pretty well here. While I still am not where I want to be, basically cooking healthy meals for the family every night, that include veggies galore (even if I am the only one that eats them); I have improved my average home-cooking nights to about 5. Not bad, not bad. The meals are not exactly the leanest, most healthy, but at least they are home made and not processed. Gotta start somewhere.

2) Reduce work stress: this is the one goal that I thought would take me the longest to achieve. I was wrong! Pretty much after I posted my 2013 goals, an opportunity popped up within my company to do something that I think will be an amazing fit. It is a total leap of faith as it is something I have not done before, but it really appeals to me and my inner geek.  I will get to work from home and this will help with goal #1 as well, as I will be able to cook throughout the day... So if meals take longer, I will still be able to make them. Transition will be complete mid april and I cannot wait!

3) Yell less: Not doing so well here. Stress is still high and I am not coping too well. But bound to get better shortly.

4) Be a better mom and wife: trying. Very hard.

5) Further education: not gotten to that spot yet. Still thinking about it. I want to see what this new turn in my professional life holds and go from there.

6) Visit Argentina: Have not even begun planning.

7) Get stronger: making VERY slow progress. Some weeks are great, some other ones not so good. Once my job transition is complete I might take up Crossfit. Still deciding.

8) Step out of my comfort zone: Goruck Challenge still to come, but the job switcharoo is a good step in this direction too.

9) Make improvements to my swimming: not sure here. I did have my best swim test to date since I have been working with my coach; but I am hungry for more. Swim intensive training block beginning soon.

10) Power to weight ratio: Bike test tomorrow... We will see.

11) Re-learn to hurt on the run: This is proving to be harder than I though. Over the off season, self confidence picked up and left; and I am struggling. Big time.

12) Share more: I am going to go with "making progress". Updating the blog counts, right?


I guess I can say things are shaping up and this will be a good year. I am so stoked that the job changing thing is happening. I have not really gone into great detail on why the change is oh so needed; but trust me when I say, it has been extremely hard. Let's just say that when you do not feel appreciated and you are measured by some pretty irregular sticks, there are many a times when you just want to pick up and leave. I have been there, multiple times in the past 10 months. Not healthy.

Regarding the hole... I am still in it, but not as deep. My self confidence is still shot, and I am still blaming myself for pretty much everything that goes wrong. However, with the recent turn of events I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Change can be scary sometimes, but not this time. I am ready for it!

The hole I am in

For the past 3 weeks I have been struggling with myself. Struggling with my "you are not enough and never will be" inside voice. Feeling like everything I do is "small change", always wrong, never right. It is a tough place to be. It is a place of unhappiness, bad mood and permanent self doubt. A place filled with what ifs and a major need for radical change. A place where you feel like you are failing at everything you try; even after your loved ones make you realize you have not failed. And it is hard. It feels like you are in a hole and you can't get out.
That's where I am at, where I have been for a while now. And when I try to put it into perspective by thinking about all the great things I have and how grateful I should be; I feel even worse... guilty for having felt bad in the first place. It is a vicious circle. And I can't seem to find the end of it. I feel lost, without a purpose. I don't know where I am headed anymore.
I have days where I feel I have a handle on things, only to wake up the next morning and realize I am back in the hole. Did I even get out of it in the first place? I feel responsible for everything that goes wrong with the family. School grades not good enough? I probably should be doing more. Kids don't want to eat the dinner I made? I am a horrible cook. Husband is in a bad mood? I am sure I have caused it.
I have become an unhappy version of myself. And I don't like it. I know what you might think... well, snap out of it already! And believe me, I have tried. I just fall back in. I hold it together for a couple of days, and at the first sign of something not going as planned... down I go.
I know I have accomplished a lot of things; great things at that. I just have lost sight of it all. It's like all past accomplishments mean nothing and I am struggling to regain an objective view again.
Who would have thought post Ironman blues would last this long?

2013 Goals

Hello? Is this thing on? Wow, it seems like I can't keep a regular schedule on this blog. Life gets in the way, and sometimes it is pretty mundane, so I run out of : 1-time and 2- topics. I am trying to do better this year.

A little update on the past 7 months?
I became an Ironman again. Arizona: I love you. I will be back. I can run SO much better than I did. I know it. I feel it. Still debating WHEN.
Kids: they are now 8 and 2 respectively. I love them to pieces, but parenthood is HARD. Lots of great feelings with a dash of frustration for good measure.
Work: same old, same old. Honestly, this is the part that drains me the most and interferes with everything else.
Training: I am slowly getting my fitness back after I took my off season a little too seriously.

2013 came around, and it luckily started off better than 2012 did. Last year we started the year in the ER with the little man having breathing issues. Not the best omen for what was to come. 2013 hasn't been perfect so far, but definitely an improvement over 2012.

Looking to this year as a clean slate I have a number of goals I'd like to achieve. Some of them are racing related, but most of them are life related. Little stepping stones to bettering myself.

- Cook more. I have re-arranged my kitchen, got new appliances and cookbooks. I am ready to make 2013 the year I become good in the kitchen. I have a few "staples" that the family likes, but they become kind of boring. Eating the same foods week in and week out is tiring. And I like trying new things. We had become a little too accustomed to eating out; and I am trying to avoid that as much as possible. Especially during week nights.

-Reduce work stress. This can be done either by moving around in my current company, or finding something new altogether. This might be the hardest of my 2013 goals, but the one I need to accomplish the most.

- Yell less. :-) This is related to the item above. When work stress is high, I lose my temper quickly. Especially around my daughter (this is a hard one to admit and put out in the world). Frustrations run high at homework time.

- Be a better mom & wife, related to the item above as well.

- Make up my mind about further education. Do I want to invest the time and money or not?

- Visit my family in Argentina. I NEED this one to happen, for my emotional sanity. I have been missing them a little too much. I need some momma and daddy love (yes, I am >35 and I miss my mom and dad)

- Get stronger. I want to build muscle and shed fat this year. I want to be lean and mean.

- Step out of my comfort zone. I have already taken the first step and will be doing the Goruck challenge this coming March.

- Make significant improvements to my swimming. This is still my weak "link" in triathlon.

- Get my power to weight ratio above 3. For those of you that train/race with power this will sound familiar. I consider myself a good cyclist. It is my "thing" during tris. I can push and hurt on the bike much more than I can while I swim and run.

- Re-learn to hurt on the run. When things get hard I chicken out. I want to push through that barrier and own each running race.

- Share more. I have become very introverted and closed in. It is time to step out & open up.

Pretty comprehensive list, huh? It will be good to get back to this post regularly and do a status check.

To say that I am scared is an understatement. When I think about everything that went on in 2012 and how I felt like I struggled the whole way through it, I am not sure I can take another year like that. I am ready for a little break. But aren't we all?