For the past 3 weeks I have been struggling with myself. Struggling with my "you are not enough and never will be" inside voice. Feeling like everything I do is "small change", always wrong, never right. It is a tough place to be. It is a place of unhappiness, bad mood and permanent self doubt. A place filled with what ifs and a major need for radical change. A place where you feel like you are failing at everything you try; even after your loved ones make you realize you have not failed. And it is hard. It feels like you are in a hole and you can't get out.
That's where I am at, where I have been for a while now. And when I try to put it into perspective by thinking about all the great things I have and how grateful I should be; I feel even worse... guilty for having felt bad in the first place. It is a vicious circle. And I can't seem to find the end of it. I feel lost, without a purpose. I don't know where I am headed anymore.
I have days where I feel I have a handle on things, only to wake up the next morning and realize I am back in the hole. Did I even get out of it in the first place? I feel responsible for everything that goes wrong with the family. School grades not good enough? I probably should be doing more. Kids don't want to eat the dinner I made? I am a horrible cook. Husband is in a bad mood? I am sure I have caused it.
I have become an unhappy version of myself. And I don't like it. I know what you might think... well, snap out of it already! And believe me, I have tried. I just fall back in. I hold it together for a couple of days, and at the first sign of something not going as planned... down I go.
I know I have accomplished a lot of things; great things at that. I just have lost sight of it all. It's like all past accomplishments mean nothing and I am struggling to regain an objective view again.
Who would have thought post Ironman blues would last this long?
Danni,
ReplyDeleteYou should know I'm always here if you need someone. Best I can explain it is with a very old West Wing quote...
Leo McGarry: This guy's walkin' down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole, and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, "Father, I'm down in this hole; can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey, Joe, it's me. Can ya help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are ya stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."
I've found myself at the bottom of those holes a time or two myself. You know where to find me if you need anything, even just someone to talk/vent to.
JMac