Goruck Challenge - Boston

About 8 months ago, Husband completed the Goruck Challenge for the first time. Class #192 in Charlotte. Upon witnessing first hand the event and the connections he was able to make with the people in the class, I was drawn in to try it myself. So, shortly after the completion of his challenge I signed up for my first one; with the condition that some of his friends from Class #192 did it with me.

As most of you know, I am mostly inclined to doing triathlons. The type of sport that it just requires you to be with yourself for long periods of time; caring only about yourself and what YOU can do to move yourself forward. This would be a completely different beast. Time ticked away, some days faster than others; and all of a sudden the weekend of the challenge was right around the corner.

We flew ourselves up to Boston and upon arrival we met with a bunch of friends. Both the virtual and real kind of friends. I was hugged, kissed and assured that I would have a great time and rock the challenge. I was a bit skeptical (and scared). Most of the folks that were doing the challenge with me, spent the night prior to it awake; either doing the challenge or witnessing it. Understandably, they were all tired the afternoon preceding my challenge, and they all went to sleep. Me? Not so much. I started getting panicky.. thinking I was getting sick, that I would in no way be able to finish. Bad thoughts inundated my head.

The time passed slowly... I just wanted 10 PM to arrive, so I could just get going with it. When it was time to get ready, I did so quietly and trying to be methodical. I am not sure how successful I was, but I got all my stuff together. It was cold. Freezing. Layers were put on, gloves, beanie, two pairs of socks. We made our way to the start, stopping along the way to grab a bite to eat.

At 10 PM Cadre Lou (for those of you that do not know.. here is the definition of cadre from Dictionary.com) gave us instructions to go into formation. After roll call (there ended up being 44 of us, from the original ~ 70 that were signed up), cadre introduction (there were 7 of them) and ruck inspection (you are supposed to carry a ruck with 4 bricks if you are under 150 lbs, and 6 bricks if you are over 150 lbs), the "welcome party" started. This consisted of a set of physical exercises; push ups, bear crawls, low crawls, flutter kicks. The goals is to get the group to start working together as a team.

One of the exercises of the welcome party was what they call the inchworm push up. What is it you ask? Well, you stand in a line and upon assuming push up position one person in front of the other, the person that is right in front of you puts their feet on your back, and you put your feet on the back of the person behind you. This way everybody is "connected". My luck was such that I ended in the back of the line. My feet were the only feet that touched the ground. Doing push ups on my toes is challenging enough for me as it is; add a weighted ruck and someone's feet on top, and I have pretty much an impossible mission in my hands. I was doing my best when, upon being instructed to move backwards, I was not able to get off the floor on time and the person in front of me bent my back backwards. I heard it crack, and it hurt. Tears welled in my eyes and I held in a little scream (you are supposed to "suffer in silence"). I removed myself from the line and curled in a ball to stretch out my back. Cadre Jason came over and drilled me with questions. He first made sure I was ok, and then started asking if I would be able to continue: "Are you sure you will be able to keep going for 10-12 more hours? Without slowing down your team?" There was NO doubt in my mind that this was just a little hiccup. There was NO way I was quitting. I made that clear; and I was asked to get back in line. I did.

After a series of other exercises, they split us into 2 classes of 22 people. Here is when I realized... I was on the team that did NOT have my friends, or my husband. I thought about this and I knew without hesitation that if that is what needed to happen, I would STILL finish the challenge. Luckily, the other team realized I was missing and asked for the swap to be made. Relief.

Upon the splits, I was promptly selected as Team Lead (TL). Our welcome party continued. for 2.5 more hours. Being TL was difficult, I was confused most of the time. Trying to keep the group together while having your head down and doing all the exercises was rough. In the challenge the team must come first, and I found it very challenging to achieve the balance needed. I got called out a bunch of times: "TL this" "TL that"... More confusion. Worries. Husband got hurt. I wanted to help, but couldn't. I was TL. TL's lead. Get your head on straight. Keep going.

This is where I had my first weak moment. We were doing a running up/down exercise, and I was having trouble getting up fast enough. The weight was getting to me. I felt the tears well up and the desperation creep in. Luckily at this time, husband and I were paired up. I took a look at him and I knew I could push through and finish the task. Deep breath, focus, go. Give it your best, that's all you can do. Keep trying.

Finally, after we moved some snow from point A to point B, I was fired as TL and told to join the ranks. When cadre uttered the words, all I could say was "Thank you". I think he laughed. Finally a new TL was picked and we moved on to our first mission.

Honestly, I do not remember what the missions were. Even though I was lucid and never felt tired/sleepy, I was just focused on getting through the task at hand and for some reason I have forgotten the details. The way it works is you are given a task and a time to complete it by. Even though I do not remember what most of our tasks were, I am pretty sure we missed most of our time hacks.

At one point we arrived at a site that held a bunch of extra things for us to carry around. A log, some construction materials, a ladder. There were so many things that everybody in the group was carrying something, at least 10lbs more than the weight of your ruck. We trudged along. We made slow progress.

We climbed stairs, crossed bridges, we walked and then walked some more. All of the sudden we arrived at the shores of a body of water (I think it was the Charles river? but I am not sure). We all knew what was coming. "Put your rucks down, take off any clothes you don't want to get wet and go in the water, knee level". Freezing water! Once in the water we did squats. Low enough to get our butts wet. We squated to the tune of the Spongebob Square pants song. And then we were allowed to get out. I promptly slipped and my hands ended up in the water.

"Put your clothes on fast". One person had completely stripped down, completely naked. It took him a while to get dressed... And we were getting cold. Mountain climbers. Move, move, move. Get warm. My shoes were wet, my toes hurt from the cold, and I was starting to lose feeling on my fingers. Get in formation and move out. At this time I got a hold of the flag and started setting the pace. I didn't last long, as holding the flag meant I had to leave my fingers still... No circulation = no feeling in fingers. I passed the flag to someone else and moved to the back of the line.

We ran some more, we got dry along the way and warmed up some. We did more up/downs. We "took" a monument, and then we rested. Penguin huddle to stay warm. Feet still hurt, a lot. Change gloves, put on an extra hoodie. Eat some food. Drink some water. Get in formation, move out.

We arrived at a "hill" where we had to do buddy carries. This is where my lowest point of the whole challenge would come. Husband was carrying me, ruck included. And I started to feel sick. I could not breathe, I thought I was going to throw up. Daylight had arrived, so I knew we were more than half way through. "I have come this far, please do not let this happen now" I was angry, I was worried, I hated thinking that the team was getting punished because of me. And I hated myself for that.  I was allowed to sit down and compose myself. I fought the tears, focused on the breathing and did not allow the bad thoughts to take over my head. As soon as I was feeling well enough, I got back in it. Determined to not let this get the best of me. I grabbed the flag again, and when cadre saw me, I think he gave me a nod and a wink of approval. I felt a weird sense of accomplishment. I had overcome. Win.

We continued to move at a steady pace. Sometimes faster than others. At some point we reached a small baseball field. And I think that might have been the only time hack me made all night. Once we climbed over the fence we played a little "game". I won't go into the details, but I am going to say both my knees are bruised because of it, and I got the "easy" end of it. Guys got it a LOT worse.

After the game ended, we headed out of the field, we walk some, we shuffle some, moving forward as a unit being the #1 goal. Next thing I know the streets start to become familiar, and we are headed to the start point. This can only mean one thing... we are about to be done. We reach the park, we get in formation. And are promptly given another mission to complete. We head out, and at this point I can't tell if spirits are high or not. I am definitely tired, but I know we are close to the end. Hang in there, hang in there. More push ups. "Give us five good ones and you can be done with them". We do. Get in formation again. Move.

Climb down more stairs, cross over muddy pit. Stay together, stay together. We reach the park where we started and are given 30 seconds to reach the monument at the top of the hill. The end is close. I can smell it. We start running. I fall behind, I can feel the weight of the pack, my legs can't go any faster, my stomach is all in knots like it gets when I do a very hard effort. I want to walk, SO bad. But something inside tells me... NO, the team will NOT suffer because of you. Push. Push. We reach the top. Get back in formation. I am the last one to join the line.

Cadre Adam steps atop a bench and announces we have completed the Goruck challenge. Tears flood my eyes. I did it. I finished it. I look around for husband and he is on the other end of the line. I need a hug STAT. Jen, Chris, Jim... they are all there. I get my hug. Husband appears. More hugs. Next thing I know I am being pushed to the front to get my patch. This is so surreal. Shake hands, get patch. Look at Cadre Jason... "Aren't you the one that asked me if I would be able to continue 10-12 more hours when we were doing the inchworm pushups?" "Yes, that was me" "Well, it looks like I did"

To all of Class 461-A... I am glad I got to do my first challenge with you all. To my AH family: I love you to pieces. Thank you for being there for me, even if you weren't physically there. It meant the world.

I am Goruck Tough. F*ck yeah!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

A few weeks ago I wrote about my goals for 2013. It is time for a little checkin' in.

1) Cook more: I have done pretty well here. While I still am not where I want to be, basically cooking healthy meals for the family every night, that include veggies galore (even if I am the only one that eats them); I have improved my average home-cooking nights to about 5. Not bad, not bad. The meals are not exactly the leanest, most healthy, but at least they are home made and not processed. Gotta start somewhere.

2) Reduce work stress: this is the one goal that I thought would take me the longest to achieve. I was wrong! Pretty much after I posted my 2013 goals, an opportunity popped up within my company to do something that I think will be an amazing fit. It is a total leap of faith as it is something I have not done before, but it really appeals to me and my inner geek.  I will get to work from home and this will help with goal #1 as well, as I will be able to cook throughout the day... So if meals take longer, I will still be able to make them. Transition will be complete mid april and I cannot wait!

3) Yell less: Not doing so well here. Stress is still high and I am not coping too well. But bound to get better shortly.

4) Be a better mom and wife: trying. Very hard.

5) Further education: not gotten to that spot yet. Still thinking about it. I want to see what this new turn in my professional life holds and go from there.

6) Visit Argentina: Have not even begun planning.

7) Get stronger: making VERY slow progress. Some weeks are great, some other ones not so good. Once my job transition is complete I might take up Crossfit. Still deciding.

8) Step out of my comfort zone: Goruck Challenge still to come, but the job switcharoo is a good step in this direction too.

9) Make improvements to my swimming: not sure here. I did have my best swim test to date since I have been working with my coach; but I am hungry for more. Swim intensive training block beginning soon.

10) Power to weight ratio: Bike test tomorrow... We will see.

11) Re-learn to hurt on the run: This is proving to be harder than I though. Over the off season, self confidence picked up and left; and I am struggling. Big time.

12) Share more: I am going to go with "making progress". Updating the blog counts, right?


I guess I can say things are shaping up and this will be a good year. I am so stoked that the job changing thing is happening. I have not really gone into great detail on why the change is oh so needed; but trust me when I say, it has been extremely hard. Let's just say that when you do not feel appreciated and you are measured by some pretty irregular sticks, there are many a times when you just want to pick up and leave. I have been there, multiple times in the past 10 months. Not healthy.

Regarding the hole... I am still in it, but not as deep. My self confidence is still shot, and I am still blaming myself for pretty much everything that goes wrong. However, with the recent turn of events I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Change can be scary sometimes, but not this time. I am ready for it!

The hole I am in

For the past 3 weeks I have been struggling with myself. Struggling with my "you are not enough and never will be" inside voice. Feeling like everything I do is "small change", always wrong, never right. It is a tough place to be. It is a place of unhappiness, bad mood and permanent self doubt. A place filled with what ifs and a major need for radical change. A place where you feel like you are failing at everything you try; even after your loved ones make you realize you have not failed. And it is hard. It feels like you are in a hole and you can't get out.
That's where I am at, where I have been for a while now. And when I try to put it into perspective by thinking about all the great things I have and how grateful I should be; I feel even worse... guilty for having felt bad in the first place. It is a vicious circle. And I can't seem to find the end of it. I feel lost, without a purpose. I don't know where I am headed anymore.
I have days where I feel I have a handle on things, only to wake up the next morning and realize I am back in the hole. Did I even get out of it in the first place? I feel responsible for everything that goes wrong with the family. School grades not good enough? I probably should be doing more. Kids don't want to eat the dinner I made? I am a horrible cook. Husband is in a bad mood? I am sure I have caused it.
I have become an unhappy version of myself. And I don't like it. I know what you might think... well, snap out of it already! And believe me, I have tried. I just fall back in. I hold it together for a couple of days, and at the first sign of something not going as planned... down I go.
I know I have accomplished a lot of things; great things at that. I just have lost sight of it all. It's like all past accomplishments mean nothing and I am struggling to regain an objective view again.
Who would have thought post Ironman blues would last this long?