After a lot of denying and trying to get through this past season; a couple of months ago I finally accepted the fact that I was injured. I was injured and I had gone through this season just to get through it. My best work did not show up on the daily, and when I expected myself to do great at races.. of course I didn't! And then the disappointment would settle.
The reality is… I bit more than I could chew during 2013 and I hurt myself. Not just physically, but also emotionally. I forgot to make ME a priority on my daily life and it showed. I spent most of my races questioning WHY I was there. Why was I racing?
I had a season plagued with self doubt, self imposed limits and the constant mind bug: you do not belong here, you are not worthy of this. And during the entire season, I believed it all. And I fell more and more into the hole. Downward spiral they call it.
The more I doubted myself, the more half assed I performed my workouts. The "worse" my workouts were, the worse my races became. There is no secret, we all triathletes know it… If you put in the work, you will get the results. You can't expect excellence on race day, when you have put on mediocrity on the day to day.
Throughout my 2013 season I felt like I had no direction, I felt lost. Not just about triathlon, but about life in general. I struggled with what I wanted to become; I struggled with my relationships with others. I felt alone and unwanted. Yes, I have a WONDERFUL family; that truth does not escape me.
But sometimes, there have to be other things in life besides being a mother/wife. And there is where my struggles lie. I have been living in the USA for 11 years, and for that entire time… I have felt like I do not belong anywhere. I have felt unaccepted no matter how hard I have tried to fit in.
You see.. to me, friendship is a two way street, and I do not want to be the one that is always initiating contact. But I am. And it is a sad realization that unless I emailed/called/IM'd someone… no one would talk to me. And I feel lonely.
And I think this realization was also a part of why I took my triathlon training a lot less serious this season. I wanted to be wanted; I wanted to fit in. I branched out and tried other things; but I was not entirely happy either. I love triathlon, the things I have accomplished through the sport, the way it makes me feel. But when one is fully committed to it, the truth is, there is not a lot of time for other things. Add to that a family and a full time job; and unless you can find a training partner that is in the exact fitness level you are at, you will be doing most of your training alone. It is a hard balance, and this year I sucked at keeping it.
Where does that leave me? Wish I knew. One thing for sure, I do not want to feel as "lame" as I felt during this tri season. Yes, I am not as fast as I wish I was… I might never be the top of my age group, but I will never know for sure if I do not try my hardest. So there I go.
