Settling in

It has been a couple of weeks since the arrival of the newest member of our family. Exactly two weeks today; and things are settling in nicely. The little man and I have been at home alone for two days now; and we have been doing pretty well.

On Monday he allowed me to walk on the treadmill for a whole mile! Now, before you laugh, a mile is a considerable distance given the fact that the last few weeks of pregnancy were extremely hard and most of my exercise vanished. I am slowly getting back into things; with slowly being the key word. You see, I still do not have medical clearance to do "Aerobic" workouts (which I consider to be running and biking); not to mention getting in the pool, as my lady bits still have stitches that need healing. And as an added bonus, after childbirth my bladder has been left pretty weak; which has caused a LOT of crying fits and a sense of helplessness that I do not wish upon anybody.

Yesterday morning we headed out for our first mother/son outing. Destination?? The mall. I am still in charge of Christmas shopping for the family, so with Xmas getting closer and closer in the horizon I needed to get my act together and head out to get the shopping done. I am happy to say that we did GREAT. We got the shopping done, and even had lunch (both of us) without any major meltdowns (from either of us). You might consider this not a very big deal, but let me reassure you that after feeling completely wiped last week, the mere fact that I have the energy to go somewhere is an amazing feat. 

Things are slowly starting to fall into place. At this time the mere thought of going back to work in a short 6 weeks has me in a little bit of a panic; but on the other hand, it is still 6 weeks away and I am sure that by the time the day to go back to work comes I will be more than ready (at least I was with Megan). We have already picked the daycare the little man is going to go, which so happens to be the same one that Megan attended; and now it is just a matter of time. 

This morning I was able to sneak in another workout. I walked on the mill for 1.5 miles, I even had the incline at 1%; and then I did some TRX moves. I focused mostly on my biceps and triceps and also did some squats. Managed to do 2 sets of 20 after my walk just in time for Brody's feeding. I know it is not a lot, but for my body it was plenty. It already hurts going up and down stairs; so I will be sore tomorrow for sure! I had forgotten how good the "good hurt" felt. 

Sometimes I find my patience being tested. Ok, not sometimes, all the time. Especially when it comes to body image and feeling good in my own skin. I know it took 9 months for my body to create a life; I know my body went through a lot of changes; I know it will take time for me to get back to where I once was. But a part of me wants it to happen NOW. Granted, I look much better 2 weeks post delivery this time around than I did with Megan, but I still want more. I wish I was one of those people that could immediately bounce back from pregnancy looking fabulous, but I am not. And coping with that reality is sometimes hard; more so, when you know you need to wait to go back to fully exercising at the level you once did. It is like being between a rock and a hard place. For me to get my body back I need to exercise; but if I do too much too soon, I risk injury or a set back on my recovery.

All in all, things are going well. Being a family of four really suits us. Megan loves the little guy; every morning when she wakes up she asks about him, if he is awake by the time she leaves for school, she will kiss him; and is ecstatic when I go pick her up from the after-school program with her brother in tow. Todd and I are incredibly happy.  We are so proud of our two children!

Another saturday update!

This week was a challenging one. Megan has been on antibiotics since friday of last week; and on monday they prescribed yet another medicine because after they did the long culture they found she had strep as well.

I don't know if it has been the illness or what; but her behavior at school changed dramatically this week. She went from being a really happy kid, participating in activities, playing with the other children; to a kid that cries all day for no apparent reason, does not participate, does not eat or does not play with others.

And I have been consumed with guilt. Guilt for being at work all day, guilt for wanting to take time for myself and train, guilt for a million reasons. And I by friday I was emotionally drained. It also does not help that we have entered the part of the month were my job becomes really busy and demanding, so I leave mentally exhausted. All of this makes me worried. Worried that there is something going on that I am missing. And when I try to "extract" answers from my child she does not provide them for me. And I have tried. Let her color, play pretend with dolls, ask open ended questions. She does not seem to realize that she was crying all day. She will tell me: Such and such did not let me play with such toy. And that is not a reason for her to cry ALL day, or is it? But yet, that is the only answer she will give me.

I reassure her that I will not get mad, or angry; that I am just concerned because I love her; but still I get nothing. And I am worried. My head is in a cloud and I am terrified that something big is going on and I am completely blind to it. And it drives me crazy! I hope I can get to the bottom of this fairly soon, for her sake and mine.

Training has been going good. I have managed to do all my workouts so far (except for friday's long run; which I have moved to sunday) and felt pretty good about them. I even felt wonderful at the pool, and that does not happen every day! I think I might finally be turning a corner when it comes to training. For now I will just keep at it, and with luck and hard work; when the time comes to put it all together, I will have a good day and be able to accomplish the goals I have set.

Wisdom

This past Friday I had my last 2 wisdom teeth removed. While it was a relatively painless procedure (I managed the pain with over the counter pain meds), the days that followed had me in a blue mood.

 

It is true what they say that exercising is great not only for the body, but also for the mind and the soul. Being sidelined due to much needed recovery is something that I do no appreciate much. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with resting. I love it when it is planned, but HAVING to rest is something that has the opposite effect in me. It makes me restless, it makes me second guess every little detail and decision. I guess you would call that insecurity, and perhaps I am plagued with it.

 

Thoughts of never doing enough, of never being good enough enter my head at least twice a month. Not good enough by whose standards? My own, of course! My husband and daughter adore me; and I am pretty sure they are proud of the things I do. But there is this little portion of me (or maybe not so little) that constantly thinks I could be better, that I should be better. And sometimes, it defeats the other rational side of the brain and sends me into a depressive panicky mode; where no matter what I do, it is never enough.

 

Call it weight loss, job performance, salary, mothering, being a wife, being a daughter, training, racing, whatever you want to call it. Whenever the nagging voice hits me, my performance on any of these things never seem to be good enough under my own standards. Self sabotage they say it’s called. And I am totally guilty of it.

 

I was raised in a loving family environment. Parents, brothers, extended family they were, and still are, all great supporters. Yet somehow, every once in a while their expectations seemed to be so completely outrageous that led us to failure and even lies. Yes, I admit it, I lied to my parents. But lets be honest, who hasn’t? And while not every lie is the same; a lie is a lie no matter what. And there is a burden to be carried because of these lies. Not because of the lies themselves but because of the feelings that led us to those lies.

 

One of the situations I remember quite vividly is during one of my finals in my 3^rd year of college. I had studied and worked for most of the year. Get up early; go to school in the morning; eat lunch; work part time in the afternoon; go home and study. There wasn’t a lot of time left for anything other than studying. Somehow I managed to have a boyfriend who attended the same school; but once he decided to change careers and transfer to another school; the relationship became inevitably broken. Heartache ensued, and no matter how much I tried to keep things separate and in perspective, there are times when your emotions take over your rational self.

 

I went to take the final; and of all the possible topics the Professor had to choose from; he chose the one I had not prepared. The one and only I was not ready to face. I failed the test. Call me silly; some people wouldn’t even consider going to take the final without being fully prepared; but I decided to take the chance. It did not go as planned and I learned my lesson. Knowing about my dad’s high expectations when it related to school work, I lied. I could not bear the thought about disappointing him; about telling him that I had failed, on a task that seemed simple enough. After all, the only thing they wanted from me was to be “good” at school. They didn’t make me work, I did it because I wanted my own money, my financial independence. So I lied. I told them I never showed up to the exam.

 

Would he have lectured me about prioritizing school work? Absolutely. Would he have been disappointed about me failing the test? I am not quite sure. Would it have caused him tons of heartache? No, it was just a test; it’s not like I did not graduate because of it. However, I  believe that it is because of little things like this; engrained in our brain, in our behaviors; that we self sabotage. Little past experiences build your character, and it is your actions back then that determine how you will face certain things in the future.

 

This is something I struggle with on a daily basis; balancing high expectations, with more rational ones. Wanting to be the best, with being the best I CAN be. Realizing that there will always be someone that beats you at something and letting go of it.  Being happy with who I am and how I am.

 

When I ask my husband how I look, or if there is something I need to improve; his answer is always the same: "your self esteem". Words of wisdom, from those who love us the most. It is time for me to start listening.

Ups & Downs

So far this week has been interesting. After taking a week vacation and pretty much slacking in terms of training; I am back at getting up at the crack of dawn to workout. My body has been complaining about the “new” old schedule and not very keen on being put in motion at 4:30 in the AM. When 9:30 pm rolls around I am usually in bed, attempting to watch some TV and end up asleep with my glasses on. Can you say tired??

 

Work has been work; some good days, some bad days. Some days when I question my career, some days when I love what I do. I guess you could say it is a bag of mixed feelings. On one hand I’d like to have more free time to dedicate to the sport, and on the other hand I do not want to put the responsibility of supporting this family entirely on Todd’s shoulders. Not that he is not capable of it; he is more than capable. I just think it is not fair. Why should I be the one that gets to pursue the time consuming sport and not him? I am no better or deserve it more than he does. Know what I mean? My head has gone back and forth on this matter many times and I still have not been able to make a decision.

 

Not to mention how guilty I feel when I leave for 3 hours straight during the weekends to go ride my bike, or swim in the open water, or run. This sport is what keeps me healthy, sane in the head, it is my ME time. And yet, I feel guilty for spending time on something so selfish. That is why I get up at the crack of dawn, to make sure I am using as little of the available family time we have. I know this will get easier as Megan gets older and she becomes more independent. Not to mention when she reaches an appropriate age to even join me in some of the activities. Some days I can’t wait for that to happen; and some other days I do not want her to grow up. Another bag of mixed feelings here. See a pattern?

 

I have also been struggling with my diet. I am not trying to lose weight. I am not starving myself. I am just having a hard time with my nutrition. And my GI tract is paying the price. I do not think that my diet is horrible and full of junk food; but evidently there is something that is not working as it is supposed to. I guess I have always struggled with keeping my diet clean, and for some reason I am having the hardest time now. I know it is a very important part of what we do; of this sport, and somehow I can’t get around to fixing it. I even got a nutrition consultation to get some ideas on what I was doing right and what I was not; only to not even pay attention to it.

 

Lots of things are going through my head these days, lots of questions. Emotions have been taking me by surprise; and sometimes I have been able to handle them just fine; and other times I have crashed and burned.  

 

Ups & downs they call them, right?

Lake Logan Olympic RR

After a whole bunch of back and forth, I finally convinced Todd that he and Megan needed to come to the race with me. He has been traveling much during the week so we do not have a lot of time to spend as "family". This was a great opportunity for all of us to be together and for Megan to see me race for the first time.

We left on friday at about 1:30 pm. It was a 3 hour drive to Canton, NC. We got on the road, and decided we needed lunch. Todd and I had not had anything to eat since breakfast and were starving. So we made a quick stop and then got back on the road. About 25 minutes into the drive, Megan fell asleep for her usual afternoon nap. Wonderful :) The drive there was pretty uneventful. We got to packet pickup at about 5 pm, grabbed my stuff and headed to the hotel. Dropped the gear off and we went to check the race site.

The place was beautiful. The lake/creek was about 6 feet low from normal levels, but it was still gorgeous. As we are driving around checking the transition area and such I look out the window and spot a familiar face.... It was Ashley! I got off the car and introduced myself. She is friends with Coach, and is one fast tri-chica. She was camping at the race site with her sister and some friends. We chatted for a bit, she gave me a short scoop of what to expect the next day and then the family and I headed back to get some dinner.

By the time we arrived back into town it was almost 8 pm and we were pretty hungry. We decided to go to a steakhouse. The wait was about 30 minutes. We put our name on the list and head outside to wait. About 15 minutes later Todd goes in to check where we are on the list, and we are told that someone answered to our name. NOT COOL. The staff was accommodating and they gave us a table right away. We ate some decent dinner and headed to the hotel to get some zzz in. That said, I was NOT able to sleep. Kept waking up every 2 hours.

The morning comes, I get ready eat my bagel with PB, make my bottles of Heed and off we go. We get to the site at about 6 am. Park, get my stuff out of the car and off we go so I can set up transition. As I am racking my bike I hear someone say: "Hey Danni"... It was Wes, he was on the rack right next to mine with DeeDee! It was great meeting some more fellow bloggers. I finish unpacking my tri bag and get this feeling like I am forgetting something. Go over everything and it all looks good, so off I go to get body marked and pick up my chip. Megan decides to tag along for this task and she ends up scoring a cute pink bracelet (a chip strap). She wants to get body marked too, but I had to say no... Almost thought it would be cute for her to have a smiley face on her calf; but decide against it at the last minute.

After Todd helps me apply sunscreen it is time for me to go potty. I always get nervous before the race if you catch my drift :) There is a huge line at the port-a-potties by transition so I decide I will go to the swim start and use those potties. Only problem is that swim start/finish is about 1/2 mile away.. yeah, do to the lake being low they had to move the swim about 1/2 mile down the road. I kiss the family goodbye and head my merry way.

I get to the swim start, do my business ;) and head to the water. I put on my wetsuit and realize I had forgotten to put on body glide on my neck. Luckily for me Wes and DeeDee were there and they had suit juice for me to put on. Thanks guys! I wave them goodbye and I get in the water to warm up. 

I had forgotten how buoyant the wetsuit made me feel and after a few strokes I know I am going to have a great swim. I get out of the water and wait until it is time for my wave to start.

I was in the 4th wave. It was an in water start, so we treaded water for a good 3 minutes before the horn went off. I started swimming as I heard the horn and tried really hard not to panic, but I was not very successful. I don't know why I get this feeling like I am not able to breathe, it feels like my breathing accelerates itself and no matter how many times I try to control it, it just gets worse. So, I end up side stroking more than I would have liked. I manage to get out of the water in under 40 minutes; which was my goal, but I am frustrated by the lousy swim.

Due to the low level of the lake, they had set up a small transition area right out of the water to hold the shoes you would put on to run to T1. I get off my wetsuit, slide my running shoes and start running. I tried to focus on keeping my breathing regulated, my HR in check and not stepping on any pot holes. I get to the "main" transition area, slip off my running shoes; get my bike gear on and realize I had forgotten to unpack my sunglasses. I KNEW there was something missing when I set up. I had to reach into my bag and grab those suckers. Because of the LOOOONG run to T1 from the water I had a T1 time of over 9 minutes. 

As I am getting in/out of T1 I see Todd and Megan and they are yelling for me: "Go mommy go, go mommy go!!!" I make sure I smile each time I see them and also give Megan a thumbs up :) LOVED having my girl and hubby there (they make me want to go faster so I can see them quicker).

The bike was awesome! After mounting the bike, you went about 100 yards and there was one of the 2 big climbs for the course. I manage that challenge really well. Stay on the saddle the whole time. After that climb came the downhill, it looked pretty steep and I got chicken sh!t. Oh well. Better luck next time. 

The course was wonderfully flat; with some minor climbs to keep your legs working a bit. I felt strong the entire time and was able to stay aero for most of the ride. I passed some folks, mostly girls, a few guys and then there was THD (tall hairy dude). Each time I yelled, "on your left" and tried to make a move on him, he would speed up; only to fade about 45 seconds later. If I tried to pass him, while he was behind someone, he would try to pass the person in front of him. He pissed me off. He finally stretched the gap in between us, on some downhill; since I am scared of losing control of my bike. I decided to focus on my race and leave him be. I am killing this bike ride, minding my business, getting the best our of my effort; and then I see him in the distance. THD was about 100 yards in front of me. I am pedaling hard, pushing the big ring and closing in. He is riding far to his right, so I decide NOT to yell my passing attempt this time. I effortlessly go by him and think to myself: You got Chicked! :) Wouldn't you know it? He picks up and passes me. Oh really? I pick up again and pass him, once more: THD you got chicked, twice! I am feeling good. I push it, hard. Get to the 20 mile marker and know that I am almost home. My legs are feeling great, my Hr is keeping nicely but my stomach is complaining. The PB bagel I had for breakfast didn't digest very well... I could taste it (yuck).

Around mile 23 you hit the second big climb of the course, I fought the urge to get of the bike and walk. Powered up, got through it and as I am going downhill, THD passes me and I could see the smile of satisfaction on his face. Me? I thought, you need a DOWNhill to pass me dude... I would not be proud of that :)

T2 goes without a hitch. I think it was one of my fastest of the season. Once again I see Megan and Todd yelling at me. Thumbs up and back to work.

The first 5k of this run was uphill, my calves could feel it (so did my stomach). My legs feel heavy and it seems like I am going nowhere. I sing in my head, walk the water stops, take a sip of water and keep running. As I am in between miles 2 & 3, I see Wes. He yells at me and I don't even remember what I said. It did make me smile. When I reach the turnaround it is amazing how much easier it felt to run. My calves were still on fire but I try to pick up the pace, only to be shut down by my "breakfast threat" once again (note to self: no more PB bagel for breakfast on race morning). I settle into a comfortably hard pace and cruise my way in to the finish. 

As I am running the last .2 miles I see Megan and Todd in the distance cheering me on. I give them the thumbs up again and smile big. Cross the finish line, get my chip removed and walk to the side. Megan and Todd come over. She wants to give me a hug, but I tell her I am all sweaty and wet; so we settle down for a kiss. She proceeds to tell me: You won mommy. All I can do is smile. 

In my own little way, I did win. I had 15 minute PR, even with the long run up to T1. I managed to run with my stomach issues; which is something that would have made me walk before. I met some fellow bloggers. And I made my husband and daughter proud. 

I mean, what else could I ask for, right?

On Family

If you didn’t know, I am from another country. Another continent at that. My entire family; mother, father, brothers, nieces and nephews; have stayed in my home country.
I very rarely get to see them. Once a year if I am lucky. Traveling to South America is expensive and exhausting. When we take vacation there I often find myself more tired when I get back than when I left. We have to visit a whole bunch of people and try to spend as much time with each one of those people as we can. You also have to be ON all the time and make sure you do not hurt anybody’s feelings. It is a tough task I tell you.

It was my decision to basically pick up and leave the comforts of all I had known for 26 years. My home town, the comfort of my parents’ house, my friends, my family. I grew closer to my parents because of the distance. Ironic isn’t it? I think that after I moved, my dad stopped seeing me as a child, and more like an adult. I think they finally realized that I had grown up; that I had become a woman. And that it was time for me to go and find MY path.

I had to move 10,000 miles away to figure out my parents were not crazy after all. That they had raised me to the best of their ability, and I think they did a damn good job. And today I am proud for being their daugher, and find myself implementing some of the same parenting “techniques” they used with us.

And I miss them. Terribly. I ache every time Megan “discovers” something new and I can’t share it with them. I also wish they could come and see me race; see how far I have come on this sport. You see? I was a couch potato back then. I would not even walk a block; and now look at me. Multisport; and even thinking about doing an Ironman. My mom tells me that when she talks to her friends and tells them of all the races I do people are often amazed “Daniela, really??” they say.

So I guess today is one of those days where I wish they were here with me. Just to give them hugs, and share a meal at the dinner table like we did every night.

To my mom and dad: LOVE YOU GUYS! You are the best EVER!

Weekend wrap up

Yesterday I got up early and went on my saturday morning ride. Coach had scheduled me a group ride, with some harder efforts; so I went to my local tri store to join in the "women" only ride. The other ride they have on saturday mornings is way too fast for me to keep up.

When I get there I find out that the regular ride leader broker her ankle during the week on a trail run, so we will have a "sub". As the sub is pumping her tires, she gets a flat... on her back wheel! Now, put a whole bunch of ladies; with absolutely no tire changing experience in a situation like this and what do you get? A ride leader who is panic mode because she can't change her tire; and the rest of us on a panic mode because, what if we get a flat? I am proud to report that even though I had no tire changing experience myself, I was able to help put the back wheel in place. I guess all the watching other people do it paid of. 

As we are getting ready leave to the parking lot, I notice a new girl (who I shall call A). A is not sure she can go the entire 26 miles we have planned going (which turned out to be more like 23); as the most she has ridden was 9 miles. I assure her she will be fine, she will be sore but will do just fine. People start pedaling away and as A is trying to get going, she can't clip her second foot and falls off the bike. At this point, you could see the tears start welling in her eyes and she says to me " I am really scared of this ride". I tell her she shouldn't be and that we have all fallen of our bikes... Hey, I did last weekend! I show her some tricks on how to clip in and out (like being able to push your pedal even though you are not clipped, so that you have more momentum) and I vow to stay back with her for the duration of the ride. 

I remember my first group ride and how my heart was literally jumping off my chest. I wish someone had taken the time to show me things. I had no such luck. What I learned about biking I learned alone on trial and error. I fell of my bike numerous times and each time I got up and kept riding.

So anyhow, off we go. I stay back with A and tell her about cadence and being effective on your pedal strokes and how not to be scared of shifting. She is riding her granny ring and I make her change to the small ring. Once there I tell her we will work on getting comfortable with shifting around the gears in her cassette. She asks me questions, and I answer them to the best of my knowledge. I share experiences and keep assuring her she will be fine. I finally convince her she will be able to go the entire distance and we keep riding past her much shorter turn around point. Every now and then the group leader comes to find us and I take this time to push out of my comfort zone. I ride the big ring, feel the burn in my legs and and eat it up. I am loving this ride. 

We get to the turnaround point and A is looking awesome. We all tell her "it's all downhill from here" (in a figurative way). The group stays much closer now, I guess people are starting to get tired; and I just want to GO. I ask A if she is feeling good, and tell her my intentions, she says to go for it. So I take off. For the first time I am leading the group and feeling good about going fast. I practice my eating strategies, drinking (tried Heed and loved it! Thanks Katie!) and staying Aero.

We get back to the shop and I have this overall good feeling. My ride went awesome and I am also super glad I was able to help someone out. I tell A she needs to keep coming to the group rides. That she will get better and faster each time. She is looking a lot more confident now. Mission accomplished.

After the ride I went home and showered quickly to get ready for my dress shopping morning. I went out and hit a bunch of stores and could not come up with anything I liked. I had done some online shopping and saw a bunch of dresses I liked but the always look so much better in pictures. I came back home empty handed. 

I did, however, go to the hair salon and got my hair colored. I think I look much better with dark color hair. I will try to take a picture and post it later. 

Oh yes! I have some Megan news. She is turning into such a big girl! Friday night was her first night sleeping without a pull up and she did awesome! She did not wet her bed. She repeated that saturday night. We leave the bathroom light on, so she can go if she needs to during the night. And she has used it! Yesterday we took her to the pool and she has embraced swimming! This is a total shocker for us since last summer she did not want to have ANYTHING to do with the water. Granted, she is still not going under, but now she wants to swim without us holding her (don't worry we are still in the pool next to her, and she wears those arm floating thingies).

Today we are going to my sister in law's house to celebrate her birthday and help out with some home projects. She and her husband have just moved into town and since she is pregnant her hubby has been enlisting family help to do fix the little things the house needs. We have given them all of our baby stuff... furniture, toys.. you name it. Our old "nursery" will become our home gym and we are pretty excited about it.

Today is IMcda. I send big waves of good luck and positive thoughts to all those racing. Also a big Congrats to Bree who came in 2nd in IM Japan on her first IM as a pro. Go Bree!!!!

Priceless...

On friday night when I was putting Megan to bed, I told her that I would not be home in the morning because I was going to be doing a race. She asked if I was going to be running, and I told her that I was going to be doing a bit of everything; swim, bike, run.

To which she replied: "You will win the trophy mommy and I am going to be so PROUD of you"

I teared up. I make my daughter proud. :)

That moment right there is what makes parenthood totally worth it.