Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

A few weeks ago I wrote about my goals for 2013. It is time for a little checkin' in.

1) Cook more: I have done pretty well here. While I still am not where I want to be, basically cooking healthy meals for the family every night, that include veggies galore (even if I am the only one that eats them); I have improved my average home-cooking nights to about 5. Not bad, not bad. The meals are not exactly the leanest, most healthy, but at least they are home made and not processed. Gotta start somewhere.

2) Reduce work stress: this is the one goal that I thought would take me the longest to achieve. I was wrong! Pretty much after I posted my 2013 goals, an opportunity popped up within my company to do something that I think will be an amazing fit. It is a total leap of faith as it is something I have not done before, but it really appeals to me and my inner geek.  I will get to work from home and this will help with goal #1 as well, as I will be able to cook throughout the day... So if meals take longer, I will still be able to make them. Transition will be complete mid april and I cannot wait!

3) Yell less: Not doing so well here. Stress is still high and I am not coping too well. But bound to get better shortly.

4) Be a better mom and wife: trying. Very hard.

5) Further education: not gotten to that spot yet. Still thinking about it. I want to see what this new turn in my professional life holds and go from there.

6) Visit Argentina: Have not even begun planning.

7) Get stronger: making VERY slow progress. Some weeks are great, some other ones not so good. Once my job transition is complete I might take up Crossfit. Still deciding.

8) Step out of my comfort zone: Goruck Challenge still to come, but the job switcharoo is a good step in this direction too.

9) Make improvements to my swimming: not sure here. I did have my best swim test to date since I have been working with my coach; but I am hungry for more. Swim intensive training block beginning soon.

10) Power to weight ratio: Bike test tomorrow... We will see.

11) Re-learn to hurt on the run: This is proving to be harder than I though. Over the off season, self confidence picked up and left; and I am struggling. Big time.

12) Share more: I am going to go with "making progress". Updating the blog counts, right?


I guess I can say things are shaping up and this will be a good year. I am so stoked that the job changing thing is happening. I have not really gone into great detail on why the change is oh so needed; but trust me when I say, it has been extremely hard. Let's just say that when you do not feel appreciated and you are measured by some pretty irregular sticks, there are many a times when you just want to pick up and leave. I have been there, multiple times in the past 10 months. Not healthy.

Regarding the hole... I am still in it, but not as deep. My self confidence is still shot, and I am still blaming myself for pretty much everything that goes wrong. However, with the recent turn of events I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Change can be scary sometimes, but not this time. I am ready for it!

I guess rest does a body good...

This past week has been quite amazing.

I managed to survive one of the most stressful weeks work wise. Deadlines, problems to solve, people to please. I am not sure how, but I pulled it off. I managed to get everything on the list accomplished; and then some. Even when life threw me a curve ball.

One of my family members in Argentina was diagnosed with a nasty disease. At first I thought it was the end of the world. I was shocked; this person NEVER gets sick. I started imagining the worst. What would the rest of my family do? How would they keep going? Why did I move so far away? I felt guilty for not being there in this time of need. I worried, a lot.

That day when I got home from work; I called my family and they reassured me that even though the disease is there; it is early enough to where if certain measures are taken; it can be stopped in its tracks or slowed down considerably. I spoke my mind, loud and clear for all of them to hear. They asked I do not worry about it; and I said I would not if they promised to follow doctor's orders to the T. Luckily we came to an agreement. I know the road ahead is not an easy one for them as it involves quitting an addiction (smoking); but they are strong willed (as most of the members of my family) and I know they can do it.

On that day I decided I would go ahead and run my half marathon on saturday. I had not had a quality run (or a run) for a few weeks (since thanksgiving).In fact I was so focused on doing P90X that I had not swam, biked or ran for a couple of weeks. Now, let me tell you. After doing P90X for those couple of weeks, I realized that it was not the workout program for me. Why? It does not get me excited to follow it. As a matter of fact; I dreaded doing the workouts most of the days. Not because they were hard, but because they were boring. So I opted to just do their strength routines and kick up the Cardio with my own mix of Swim, bike & run.

Last month when I was sick for almost 2 weeks, coach and I decided that it would be best if i took the month off to fully recover. Besides, December tends to be a busy month for us in the accounting field; with holidays and fiscal year end all happening at the same time. So the training for this 1/2 marathon was put on hold. I still wanted to run the race, because stingy me had already paid the race fee and could not let the money go to waste, if you know what I mean :-). So I faced it as just a fun run. I would run it without any expectations. I would not push myself, I would just go and run, and have fun.

Saturday came along and I was up before the alarm clock went off. My body is so used to getting up at 5 am that I can't sleep past that time. Oh well. I got up and got ready. All dressed up in cold weather gear since it was below freezing and the high temperature for the morning was in the low 40's. I put on some tights, a wicking t-shirt and a warm wicking jacket (my favorite one... NIKE ) Got to the kitchen and made some breakfast. Some whole wheat waffles and propel water to drink. The breakfast of champions :-) I did my hair (pigtails and hat), grabbed some Gu's and headed out the door.

I got to the expo, picked up my packet, got my chip and bib number set up and headed to the potty lines. Of course, after all that propel water I needed to pee quite a bit. And then I witnessed something that was a "first" for me. The line for the MEN'S bathroom, was longer than the one for the women's. I smiled to myself. 

After using the facilities I headed to the start line. I tried using the signs for the pace groups to seed myself but once the crowd got bigger the pacers moved and I could not find them! As a result I think I was seeded incorrectly. Oh well, race was about to start and I did not have the energy to fight the crowd to try to go backwards.

The gun went off and we started running. The first mile is always hard. Your body is waking up and warming up. I passed the mile marker in 9.30.  I was going faster than I had anticipated but it felt good, it felt "natural".  I ran. I saw some familiar faces, I tuned into other people's conversations. I smiled at volunteers and traffic cops. I was just having a blast. I remember going through the 3 mile marker at 27 minutes. "Pretty good" I thought. I was running with my Garmin, just to see how long the course really was. Bad thing is that it had not acquired a signal when the gun went off, so I didn't start measuring until well into the first mile. I decided to keep it on just for the fun of it. To see what pace I was holding.

I was surprised. The little thing said I was running 8:54 and I did not even feel I was putting out an effort. I really cruised along the race. I was not "racing it"; I was just running. I drank at every water stop; alternating water and powerade. I even ran the water stops! Now, that's a first! I am always really clumsy and end up pouring the liquids on my body instead of in my mouth. But not this time. The course was hilly, and I could tell I was putting a slightly higher effort when going uphill, but nothing major. I was just keeping the pace. The only one goal I had for this race was to run the entire thing. I wanted to prove myself that no matter how slow I went, I would run it. Not even power walk it, run it. There is some kind of mental block I had with the distance for the longest time; and I wanted to overcome it.

I hit mile 7 in 1:03:xx. That is when I realized: "Holy shit! I am paced to come in at 2 hours or less". If you remember, that was my goal all along for this race. Break the 2 hour mark and have a great PR. I just could not believe it. Here I was, not even feeling like I was working; and yet within reach of my "dream goal". I told myself: "Don't get cocky, don't try to go faster; we are here to have fun". So I did. I just kept running.

Somehow, I was able to hold the pace. At mile 11, a guy in a Santa costume passed me and one of the spectators said: "Come on people! Run faster, you just got passed by Santa!" That made me laugh. That was another first... Laughing at mile 11. I am usually in some kind of mental battle at this point; but not Saturday. I was feeling it now though. I was starting to get tired, and putting an added effort. I just wanted to hold the pace to reach the sub 2 hour goal. I only had 2 more miles to go; but those 2 miles had some of the worst hills of the course.

Climb, climb, climb. Reach the top, turn right. Climb steep hill. Legs burn. Reach the top, turn right again; go down; reach the bottom. Repeat. That was how the last 2 miles were. My quads were burning. With less than .5 miles to go you took the last turn and you could see the finish line. Straight up there. Yes, I said UP. The freaking finish line was at an incline! No fair. I tried to kick it to the end; but my legs refused to turn any faster. I crossed the line. 

1:58:43. 

Holy freaking shit! An 18 minute PR. On a hilly course. I could not believe it. Seriously?! I was elated. Still am. I sent Liz a text. "I do not give my body enough credit".

I remember my first 1/2 marathon. It took me nearly 3 hours to finish it; and after I got back to the house I slept the rest of the day. Saturday, I ran and was FULLY functional all day. 

What baffles me the most is that I had taken my "off season" pretty seriously. I had been resting mightily. There had been no running for almost 3 weeks.  And yet, I managed to accomplish this. I guess rest does a body good :-). I am a believer now.

Wisdom

This past Friday I had my last 2 wisdom teeth removed. While it was a relatively painless procedure (I managed the pain with over the counter pain meds), the days that followed had me in a blue mood.

 

It is true what they say that exercising is great not only for the body, but also for the mind and the soul. Being sidelined due to much needed recovery is something that I do no appreciate much. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with resting. I love it when it is planned, but HAVING to rest is something that has the opposite effect in me. It makes me restless, it makes me second guess every little detail and decision. I guess you would call that insecurity, and perhaps I am plagued with it.

 

Thoughts of never doing enough, of never being good enough enter my head at least twice a month. Not good enough by whose standards? My own, of course! My husband and daughter adore me; and I am pretty sure they are proud of the things I do. But there is this little portion of me (or maybe not so little) that constantly thinks I could be better, that I should be better. And sometimes, it defeats the other rational side of the brain and sends me into a depressive panicky mode; where no matter what I do, it is never enough.

 

Call it weight loss, job performance, salary, mothering, being a wife, being a daughter, training, racing, whatever you want to call it. Whenever the nagging voice hits me, my performance on any of these things never seem to be good enough under my own standards. Self sabotage they say it’s called. And I am totally guilty of it.

 

I was raised in a loving family environment. Parents, brothers, extended family they were, and still are, all great supporters. Yet somehow, every once in a while their expectations seemed to be so completely outrageous that led us to failure and even lies. Yes, I admit it, I lied to my parents. But lets be honest, who hasn’t? And while not every lie is the same; a lie is a lie no matter what. And there is a burden to be carried because of these lies. Not because of the lies themselves but because of the feelings that led us to those lies.

 

One of the situations I remember quite vividly is during one of my finals in my 3^rd year of college. I had studied and worked for most of the year. Get up early; go to school in the morning; eat lunch; work part time in the afternoon; go home and study. There wasn’t a lot of time left for anything other than studying. Somehow I managed to have a boyfriend who attended the same school; but once he decided to change careers and transfer to another school; the relationship became inevitably broken. Heartache ensued, and no matter how much I tried to keep things separate and in perspective, there are times when your emotions take over your rational self.

 

I went to take the final; and of all the possible topics the Professor had to choose from; he chose the one I had not prepared. The one and only I was not ready to face. I failed the test. Call me silly; some people wouldn’t even consider going to take the final without being fully prepared; but I decided to take the chance. It did not go as planned and I learned my lesson. Knowing about my dad’s high expectations when it related to school work, I lied. I could not bear the thought about disappointing him; about telling him that I had failed, on a task that seemed simple enough. After all, the only thing they wanted from me was to be “good” at school. They didn’t make me work, I did it because I wanted my own money, my financial independence. So I lied. I told them I never showed up to the exam.

 

Would he have lectured me about prioritizing school work? Absolutely. Would he have been disappointed about me failing the test? I am not quite sure. Would it have caused him tons of heartache? No, it was just a test; it’s not like I did not graduate because of it. However, I  believe that it is because of little things like this; engrained in our brain, in our behaviors; that we self sabotage. Little past experiences build your character, and it is your actions back then that determine how you will face certain things in the future.

 

This is something I struggle with on a daily basis; balancing high expectations, with more rational ones. Wanting to be the best, with being the best I CAN be. Realizing that there will always be someone that beats you at something and letting go of it.  Being happy with who I am and how I am.

 

When I ask my husband how I look, or if there is something I need to improve; his answer is always the same: "your self esteem". Words of wisdom, from those who love us the most. It is time for me to start listening.

Addiction

Now, just admit it... You were glued to your computer pretty much all day saturday watching IM World Champs live. I know I was. Even though the chair I have at the Mac is hard as heck and it is not the best in terms of back support; I didn't seem to be able to care much about that. All I wanted to do is sit there and watch.

Multiple times I wondered that day why I was so addicted to the event; why I kept putting everything else in the back burner for that single afternoon. And then it hit me. It is about overcoming, about conquering, about arriving. About being left to your own resources and pulling through victorious. About facing tough situations and not backing down. About persevering. About setting our mind on a goal, having a dream and doing everything in your power to see it come true. 

I sat and watched those people in awe. The pros, the age groupers, the back of the packers, the disabled (that truth be told, are more able than a lot of people out there, so I think should have a different "name" to them). And it made me think. Not just about triathlon but about life in general. It inspired me to reach deep down and pull my true dreams to the surface. And trust me when I tell you I have some BIG dreams. And they are about everything and anything you could possibly imagine.

As I grow more and more disappointed at my job; one of those dreams is about finding where my true passion lies. Yes, I do love numbers, after all, I did go to school for economics; but I have an equal passion for letters, and for the english language. You might think it is odd since it is not even my birth language; but there is something about the way it sounds, the way it reads that has me completely enthralled. How some people are able to make you see things just by using words; how they are able to create entire worlds that captivate every single fiber of your being; how once you find their work, the work of these amazing writers, it fills you up inside, it makes you feel whole once again. And I want that. I want to be one of them. But excelling at something requires work, and I have a lot of that ahead of me if I want to become what I dream. 

I cannot afford to quit working; and let's face it, with the economy the way it is this days; it wouldn't be on the smart side to try to make a career change on a whim. There is a lot of thinking that needs to be done. A lot of planning. A lot of searching. But the idea is out there. 

Fired up

Last night I checked my online workout calendar. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw that Coach had put my schedule for nexty week up. Why? Because next Saturday is my first Tri of the season! Seeing all the pre/post race preparations and suggestions got me all excited. I felt like a kid in a candy store… I had a big grin on my face.
The race is relatively small, capped at 250 enties (currently they have about 150 people signed up) and a short one at that. Swim: ½ mi. Bike 11.4 mi. Run 3.1 mi.
The swim is a point to point (whatever that means); the bike is a whole bunch of rolling hills (I’ve had plenty of training on those) and the run is supposed to be flat (my legs will be thankful for that). Saying that I am excited about it is an understatement. I can’t hardly wait.
It will be the first race that I attend SOLO… Todd is not coming with me not will I know anyone else racing it. In a way, that takes a whole bunch of pressure off; but on the other hand it leaves me alone with my thoughts.. and sometimes those tend to be not as positive as they should. Hopefully if I practice all the excercises that Coach wants me to practice (visualize the race, have a plan, etc.) I will be able to leave those “bad” thoughts away.
I will let you all know how it goes as soon as I have time to do it (between us, I am hoping I can have the RR ready by Sunday). The only thing that kind of “worries” me is that I have not been able to swim for 2 weeks. Next week I have 2 swims on the schedule and I am crossing my fingers for them to be good ones, so I can build up my confidence in the water.
After being sidelined for a couple of days I embraced this week for all it had. I left my heart at each and every one of my training sessions. Especially on the bike. There is something about getting up at 4.20 am to get on the trainer that makes you want to beat it up… just to teach it a lesson. Ha!
I also finally admited what my long time goals with this sport are. I finally accepted that I am competitive… VERY competitive. It is good sometimes because it makes me want to always better myself, so I can beat other people; and it is bad sometimes because I focus too much on beating other people… It is hard to find the balance between both of them. With some luck, now that I have admitted this I will have an easier time dealing with it.
In a nutshell, I told Coach that I wanted to be “good” at this sport. What do I mean with this?? I want to be better than average. I have my sights set on becoming as good as Katie, Marit or Ashley.  It will be hard work, but it is definitely my top long term goal.

I am getting all fired up, and can't wait for the fun to begin. The countdown to saturday has started.