I can't tell you how this decision has been hunting me for the past couple of months. At the end of last season I was super ready to get pregnant and become a mom again. It didn't happen as I had wished for it to happen and I literally put my life on hold. I drove myself crazy. I was going to sit out this season and not race, maybe train very slightly, just for the chance of maybe getting pregnant. Not only was I making myself miserable, everyone around me was feeling it too. So I took a change in direction and decided to sign up with Liz for coaching. And then it hit me.
When I was pregnant with Megan I gained 50 lbs. Yes, you read correctly, 50 lbs. It took me a very long time to lose the extra weight. As a matter of fact, if we compare what I weighted pre-pregnancy to what I weight now, I am still 5 lbs "overweight". I do not have the best self esteem when it comes to my body. I know it can endure things, childbirth, 1/2 marathons and tri's are proof that I have a strong body; but I don't necessarily like the way it look all the time. Growing up I was always "dieting" as I had a tendency of being on the "chubby" side. I was never fat, but I was never skinny. So this has a very big psychological background. Today, for the first time in almost 4 years I like the way I look. When I look in the mirror I am not disgusted by who/what stares back at me. And that my friends, is huge.
The second reason behind this decision is my family. I am from South America, and everybody I knew up until I turned 26, when I moved to the US, still lives there. My best friends, my parents, my siblings. Everybody. And I miss them. And I only get to see them maybe once a year. Traveling is expensive and if the bill is high for 3 people I don't even want to think of what it is going to be like for 4. There is no way we could afford to go every year, or maybe every other year. And that is a long time. I know I am the one that decided to move here, and I do not regret that decision a single bit; but I still miss them and want to see them as much as possible.
We also don't think we would be good parents to 2 children. We both work full time and have our hobbies. He golfs and I train/race. These hobbies are the ones that keep us "grounded", they're our "me" time. These hobbies help us be better people, better parents. They take our minds out of our daily worries at least for a little while. But the hobbies take up time. And maybe for selfish reasons, I don't think we are ready to give them up yet.
I still believe this is the right thing to do for us at this time. We have not set anything in stone. We have not taken any drastic measures to prevent a pregnancy. Still the decision makes me feel guilty. Megan will be an only child. The statement hurts my heart and at the same time makes me feel relieved. WOW.
I know this was a BIG decision but it sure sounds like you have thought it all through. Most people to do it there other way and are left with coulda, shoulda, woulda. Be proud of your one sweet child!!
ReplyDeleteIt makes a strong person to write about this. Thanks for sharing!
It sounds like you really thought this out - and it makes sense that you would have conflicting emotions about it.
ReplyDeleteI don't have kids myself, but they was I see it is - if it happens, it happens. While it wouldn't so much fit into the life I have or want, I would embrace it if it comes.
So for you guys, maybe putting it off, at least for right now, is not such a bad thing. Your hands and lives are full of so many other things that you should have the opportunity to enjoy while they are happening.
As for the weight thing - I do understand that. I was "thick" most of my life, and triathlon has really helped with that - I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to embrace your body for as long as possible. You earned it.
It is a tough decision to make but it seems like you have really thought it through. Kids are a lot of fun...enjoy yours!
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